Screw You Hormones!

Happy Anniversary to No Periods!

But when the Hell is Menopause?!

 

10 years. It was 10 years ago this month that a very used, very stretched out, tired and cranky uterus was cut from my body, thrown into an incinerator and burnt to a crisp.

 

Good fucking riddance! In case you’ve never had the pleasure of having blood randomly come out of your body…

Thank God you can't get pregnant by swallowing. I mean, those eggs gotta go somewhere right?

 

Here are the most common symptoms of Menstruation:

 

Abdominal Bloating

Abdominal Pain

Sore Breasts

Acne

Food Cravings, mostly sweets

Constipation

Diarrhea

Headaches

Migraines

Sensitivity to Light or Sound

Changes in sleep pattern

Sadness

Anxiety

Depression

Fatigue

Estrogen levels change

Irritability

Emotional outbursts

Blood coming out of your vagina

 

 

And here are the most common symptoms, after you’ve had a Hysterectomy, but kept your ovaries:

 

Abdominal Bloating

Abdominal Pain

Sore Breasts

Acne

Food Cravings, mostly sweets

Constipation

Diarrhea

Headaches

Migraines

Sensitivity to Light or Sound

Changes in sleep pattern

Sadness

Anxiety

Depression

Fatigue

Estrogen levels change

Irritability

Emotional outbursts

Blood coming out of your vagina

 

SCORE! RIGHT?!

 

(In case you had your ovaries taken too, don’t forget to take your Hormone Pills unless you feel like going thru Phantom Menopause. Because for anyone that doesn’t know, the #1 sign that you’ve started menopause is the lack of periods. If you kept your ovaries, you get to play the Guessing Game like me.)

 

 

Your period can be anywhere from 5-10 days. PMS can start 5-11 days before your period, and ovulation lasts 1-2 days. That’s as low as 11, or as high as 23 days a month that us women have all these damn mental and physical crap problems...literally! Many experts even put that more at the high end of that 23 day range. They say it’s more like 1 week a month we don’t have to deal with it. That beautiful random 7 days a month when we don’t want to smother our husbands in their sleep. Those wonderful days where your kids’ MOOoooooooOOOOOOmmmmmMMMMMM doesn’t sound like nails on a chalkboard, but you lovingly ask “What’s wrong my darlings? Are you guys bored? Would you like mommy to love on you and take you somewhere fun?” And they look at you like you have two heads because the other 23 days a month it’s more like “I swear to God I will take away your sunshine!!”

 

Oh the loveliness of having to deal with blood coming out from between your legs and you’re peeing more often and you probably have the runs because of all those muscles contracting that triggers your bowels so there is a full on Hazardous Materials Waste Dump going on down there. You walk around like it’s nothing, but literally you’re one damn sneeze away from a quarantine.

I will never understand any man’s desire to have sex with a woman on her period. I bet those are the guys that like real gory movies and the smell of death.

 

But no periods right?! Woo Hoo!! The days of carrying a full extra pair of clothes around, and wearing extra shirts, and shoving a pair of underwear in your pocket just in case, a sweater to wrap around your waste even in the summer, and the ability to fart without triggering a clean up on aisle 9…….have long passed. I do, however, have to guess now when those days are coming. I just don’t’ bleed, that’s the only difference. Sure, it’s a great difference, if you like mysteries.

 

I can be sitting on the couch shoving chocolate in my face, crying over that beautiful day at the beach 7 years ago, and irritable because there’s a giant zit on my nose, and my daughter will come over…”Mom, do I have any extra pads at your house?” YOU BITCH. Get your damn syncing hormones away from me! Then we cry and eat chocolate together. She has a zit on her chin.

 

Yes, synced up, just like before. Mine is now more prone to the staying on the full moon schedule. I’ve written about it before, The Phantom Bleeder.

I just never pay attention to when it’s coming, until someone says “Oooo, it’s almost a full moon”. That’s your warning that I’m about to transform into the Werewolf of Whatthefuckiswrongwithme. Tell me I’m beautiful and my skin looks great, then take 2 steps back, throw chocolate, and leave a bottle of wine.

 

FYI: CHOCOLATE IS GLUTEN FREE. I RESEARCHED IT FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

 

So here I am, 10 years later, in my mid 40’s wondering when I’ll start menopause. When will the hot flashes come? Will my Fibromyalgia kick in and cool me down? When will the ‘Change of life’ happen? When will the hormones run out, and am I supposed to refill them like your car oil? When will my ovaries cough out the last decades old egg, sunny side up? When?

You’d think that there was some high tech testing system in place by now. Nope. Menopause happens when you haven’t had your period in a year. Yaaaaaa, thaaaaanks!

 

Symptoms of Menopause

 

Irregular periods

Hot flashes

Night sweats

Trouble Sleeping

Mood Swings

Anxiety

Depression

Irritability

Forgetfulness

Fatigue

Bloating

Allergies

Difficulty concentrating

Libido changes or

Pain during intercourse

Vaginal dryness

Change in hair, skin and nails

Weight change

Headaches and Joint problems

Dizziness

Frequent urination

Changes in breasts; size, shape and tenderness

Decrease of Estrogen levels

Basically it’s Puberty all over again, but backwards.

 W.T.A.F.

The only positive way to know is through lack of periods and a test for decreasing hormone levels.

After age 50, the risks for heart disease, osteoporosis, and high cholesterol increases.

 

 

Here lies Hippies Uterus

 

It was rode hard

And almost bust

From too many fruit

And now it’s dust