Saturday, September 8, 2018

How to care for a newborn

How to care for a newborn; baby doll edition

Once upon a time I was pregnant with my 3rd child. About ready to give birth to the last of my sanity. (Just. Kidding. I still had twins)
 It was time to teach my 3 year old son and my 5 year old daughter how to properly care for a newborn. I'm days away from delivering. So I get an Almost Real Baby Doll talking interactive HeyIts1999LetsProveRobotsWontTakeOverTheWorldIn2000ByBuyingATalkingRobotBaby

Fuck me right?

This thing does the I'M WET and I NEED YOU TO PLAY WITH ME and WAH WAH I WANT MILK or WAH WAH I WANT A COOKIE. Or my favorite oooohhh my freaking favorite


Nope nope. Put it in the bottom of the toy box and cover it in blankets Nope.!

This doll had that little "microchip fancy schmancy locking death grip on the battery compartment. It'll never shut up until you give it what it wants because its evil! Just shut up!" insert thingamajig in its mouth that could read different foods so while I'm on maternity leave I go from Pregnant and A Solid Teaching Moment to Mother of the Damned TURN IT OFF! Because sure, having a doll wake you up, and I mean IT HAD A FREAKING VOICE THAT LITTLE BITCH would wanna play at 3am and the newborn didn't and I got a kindergartner with 2 hours to go and a wild 3 year old boy and look it's still dark OF WOW EVERYBODYS UP.

So while the newborn is busy eating and sleeping, me and 2 young ones are trying to keep this damn doll happy every 3 hours. THERES NO OFF SWITCH. It takes Power Tools to fix and my ex was too busy working or sleeping to help care for a newborn, LET ALONE A NEEDY DOLL and lose sleep. So Keep it happy, Play A Game, Feed the bitch some milk, Change the Imaginary diaper, put the spoon with the green peas on it, put the ice cream, put the potato, put the spoon of oatmeal, put whatever this damn thing needs in its mouth, every couple of hours. When will the batteries be dead?  This was 1999. I fear for the NanniBot that will soon be available.

But then my grandmother came over. Actually flew, cuz I was a trillion states away and she had Dementia/Alzheimer's preOldTimers disease. And she wakes me up and says "I want to help with the new baby but that doll is asking for a Cheeseburger and I can't find it."

Wow grandma. Poor thing is more crazy than I thought. AND WHY THE HELL ARE WE TAKING CARE OF THIS FUCKING DOLL?  I'm so drained from the actual 3 Kids Under 5 of age  and ones a newborn and you go back to work in 6 weeks and you're a tired zombie! And people are often heard screaming SHUT THAT FUCKING BABY UP is currently playing all day at my house while I got a newborn so no thanks CPS but now I gotta crazy grandma to boot.
So here I am, 3 am, newborn fast asleep attached to my tit, and I'm trying to figure out what its gonna take to make the baby doll happy and the kids and I figured out that the sensors on both the spoon and tongue would read different items, but it was programmed to read everything it came with, even as an add-on and this thing yells out I want Some French Fries BITCH WHAT'D YOU SAY TO ME?

Now I'm freaking out cuz I ain't got no damn french fries so everything is wrong and now you cant make it happy cuz its cries WAH WAH I WANT SOME MILK and you shove the plastic milk bottle in its mouth and yells out THATS A HOT DOG. I WANT MILK WAH WAH.

Bitch I ain't got a hot dog neither!

OH THE BATTERIES ARE FINALLY GOING DEAD. I've entered the Seventh Circle of Hell.

The doll went further down the toy box with every spare blanket and we just waited it out the week until my ex could use power tools and dismantle a doll.

I had twin boys years later. It was a touch of deja vous. A week later her kindergarten teacher asked her about "the new baby in the house". She thought we were talking about the doll cuz even tho I'd given birth, he was currently attached to my boob and wasn't seen since.


Oh haha, such a delightful child with a wicked imagination. I had a boy. I don't know what she's talking about.


I show people. Nope. He likes the boob! LETS GO YOU FUCKING TATTLE TELLER

......and that's how you care for a newborn Baby Come Alive And Wreck Your Life Doll.

Please feed the baby tho.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

The 1,100 Calorie Day

I switched to Gluten Free a little over 4 years ago due to being intolerant. I lost weight and even stopped some medications for pain, fatigue, mood swings and depression. I didn't stop taking everything because ya can't cure crazy right? Lol Seriously though, autoimmune diseases with chronic pain and some bipolar is shitty. It's an uphill battle with Food Is Medicine, Medicine Is Food.

Anyway, I've even stepped that up a notch recently by cutting way back on the Gluten Free baked goods, bread, cookies, donuts, cakes......because Enter weight gain. Damn it. Sugar!
I eat pretty healthy for the most part but really ramped up the extra healthy.

Here's what an average day of eating is for me now. I keep eliminating processed foods, and eating way more whole foods, WAY more. Holy cow did I eat a lot today!

Instead of someone eating 1 meal from McDonald's of a Big Mac, Large Fries and Large Coke totalling 1,400 calories.....think about that....1 meal = 1,400!! I ate SIX meals/snacks for 300 LESS calories.

Let me break this down for you:

Breakfast: 170 calories
2 Cups of black coffee
1 Protein drink

Mid Morning Snack: 145 calories
1/2 Cup Light Greek Vanilla yogurt
1 Banana

Lunch: 250 Calories
Very filling light taco salad
3 Cups of mixed lettuce, greens, raw spinach
2 oz cooked rotisserie chicken
1/2 Cup black beans

Afternoon Snack: 125 Calories
16 Almonds
1/3 Cup Bing Cherries

Dinner: 330 Calories
2.5 oz Bacon Wrapped Pork Loin
1/4 Cup Cooked Brown Rice
6 Brussel Sprouts
1/3 Butternut Squash

Dessert: 80 Calories
Low fat Ice Cream Popcicle

I ate every few hours, with Lunch and Dinner being very filling and I got to eat healthy, delicious, and some sweets too, but in moderation. I enjoyed several different foods and was able to satisfy all cravings.

I'll be posting randomly my daily meals and hope to put together a weekly menu.

I've been eating this way for 2 weeks and lost 7 pounds. I started at 145. I'm more focused on the nutrition than I am the weight. I'm just so shocked at how much food I ate!

According to "My Fitness Pal" <<(Download This App!!) I ate 90 grams of protein, which is a little high and too much can make your body actually turn it into sugar so I'll be working on that better. 135g of carbs, 25g of fiber, 50g of sugar, 25g of fat, 130mg of cholesterol, 1300mg of sodium, 3200mg potassium, lots of Vitamin A and C and about half what I needed in calcium and iron so I'm slowly tweeking things to get everything where it should be but I came in under my goal on the bad stuff and pretty high on the good stuff.

I may not be a Licensed Dietician but I can play a Nutritionist on the Internet. 😉

All that food and low calories and I still burned a few hundred doing housework, cooking, walking and some exercise band stretching. I'm getting ready for summer, and every summer after that!

It's dessert time so I'll catch ya hippies later 💝
Much Love all!

Thursday, February 8, 2018

I need to break up with my best friend

This relationship just isn't working out.
It's time I cut the toxic cord and let you go.

Who was there for me when I got fired? Cigarettes
Who was there for me when I became disabled? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I’m having a lot of anxiety? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I got dumped? Cigarettes

Who was there for me after getting raped? Cigarettes

Who was there for me after my car broke down? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I had nothing? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I had nothing else to turn to? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was a single mom? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was constantly abandoned? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I went through every difficult moment in life? Cigarettes

Who was there for me after kicking other habits? Cigarettes

Who was there for me during every mental illness battle? Cigarettes

Who was there for me during every physical battle? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I'm fighting everything in life? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when all I could do was cry? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was deciding which way to commit suicide? Cigarettes

Who was there for me during every low time in my life? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was homeless? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I couldn’t pay my bills? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I woke up in pain every day? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when no one else was? Cigarettes

Who has always been the constant in my life no matter what? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I got sick? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I got sick, from the cigarettes? ……………..

Why couldn’t I have just put ‘God’ in those answers to begin with?
Is it too late?
Can people fit those answers too?  Will another addiction take its’ place?

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Depression is a narcisstic bitch

This chick needs to fucking go.
All I do is fight fight fight.

I need a break from the chaos in my head that leaked into my real life. I need to get my life on a good track because days like this, it's just meandering on old forgotten overgrown tracks that lead to abandoned stations with no one there to guide you. There's a fire in the engine that drives me, but sometimes there's just no one in control.

     This bitch just comes over whenever she wants and stays much longer that I even care for and it's all about me me me me. A narcissistic bitch is what she is, and Depression is her name. She'll even show up unannounced right in the middle of a good day where everything is going great.
She even brings her friend Anxiety to tag along, just to mix it up and throw wrenches into everything. And lets not leave out PTSD, because that bitch keeps a record of everything.

     Pills, and wine and bud and my smokes. Just a little of everything to numb the pain tonight. Too much here or there and maybe I don't wake up, so let's not do anything rash, after all "It's not a bad life, it's just a bad day." :(

(No seriously, If you are feeling like you literally do not want to live anymore and you are planning an end.... PLEASE call a friend, family, neighbor, social media connection, the hot line, anyone. They even have online chat just so you can have someone to talk to.)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

     I don't usually mix things, since I know it can be dangerous, (stupid really) but I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight, and quite depressed on top of being risky and dangerous. I need to feel a little more numb than I do now because feelings hurt, and coping with them hurts even more. It's just not a good day for me to dig deep and remember my coping strategies.
If I ever down a whole bottle of pills with a whole bottle of wine, I know exactly what I'm doing, but God give me the strength to make a phone call first so I come to my senses. I thought I'd have more people in life, but this bitch pushes everyone away, because it's all about her. It's always all about her....Depression.

Or it's 4 am and you're alone, even if you're married sometimes you feel alone, in bed, in pain and having a miserable time because of

E) All of the above,

and right now I'm just counting down the years until statistically I'll die, counting down the months I cut it by insomnia nights like this, counting down the weeks from when I didn't eat right, and counting down the hours until I have to wake up and wonder WTF is this miserable shit for? What am I doing between now and the inevitable? What is my world, and all the adventures and experiences I'll have between Birth and Death?

What does MY dash represent?  

     Hey at least they have these magic pills that simulate happiness right before numbing everything then making you fall asleep. It's great amiright? Of course you got these doctors that are like "Uh oh, are you addicted?"

Nah man, I love feeling the pain, AND being awake to enjoy it. Double score!!

So sure, you take everything the way you should, and then you're still crying in the middle of the night, because there really isn't anything better to do, and fuck it. I'll just sit here and cry since I literally have no motivation to do anything else.

       I wonder if some Missing People just walked away. Just.......disappeared into the night to start a new life, but ended up in the care of the bridge trolls and the night men.
Maybe it started like some awesome manic fueled Dream Back-Packing Tour and you ended up behind curtain #5.....the girl that will be whoever you want, just not the kind you ever want to love.

Just the kind of girl that makes a mid-grade meh Housewife....excuse me, Homemaker, a part time cook, a warm body, maybe a friend or money tree so someone else can have a life and dreams while you merely exists, not even enjoying things that once made you happy because.....wait, was I ever happy? Did anything I every want and love matter?
What matters is that you get back up the next day and do it again.
And again.
And again!

And you know you're contagious so why bother right? You'll only depress other people. If only happiness was as catching as sadness. Maybe it is and I got this all wrong.

     But in the meantime, I'll lay here and have a lovely lonely evening of feeling as numb and euphoric as the earth will allow until it swallows me back up from hence I was created and that unwanted, unneeded, narcissistic bitch Depression with her purse full of Feel Goods and Pain Numb'ers is really a masquerade of Charlatans, unwelcome in your home and they refuse to give you your hearts desire and only dangle it from an unreachable distance! Such torture!

     She merely sits there in the dark corner, smoking your last cigarette, smirking at your suffering, the only person who knows what your misery is and enables it, and hands you her purse asking which one do you want more of, the pill "Pain and Wishes"...or "The Magical Forgets".

    Only when she snuffs out that cigarette with at least 3 hits left on that bitch, that you snatch the purse and take them all as she throws back her head and cackles evilly ....."They all do the Same! HaHaHa!"

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Screw You Hormones!

Happy Anniversary to No Periods!
But when the Hell is Menopause?!


10 years. It was 10 years ago this month that a very used, very stretched out, tired and cranky uterus was cut from my body, thrown into an incinerator and burnt to a crisp.
Good fucking riddance! In case you’ve never had the pleasure of having blood randomly come out of your body…

Thank God you can't get pregnant by swallowing. I mean, those eggs gotta go somewhere right?

Here are the most common symptoms of Menstruation:

Abdominal Bloating
Abdominal Pain
Sore Breasts
Food Cravings, mostly sweets
Sensitivity to Light or Sound
Changes in sleep pattern
Estrogen levels change
Emotional outbursts
Blood coming out of your vagina

And here are the most common symptoms, after you’ve had a Hysterectomy, but kept your ovaries:

Abdominal Bloating
Abdominal Pain
Sore Breasts
Food Cravings, mostly sweets
Sensitivity to Light or Sound
Changes in sleep pattern
Estrogen levels change
Emotional outbursts
Blood coming out of your vagina


(In case you had your ovaries taken too, don’t forget to take your Hormone Pills unless you feel like going thru Phantom Menopause. Because for anyone that doesn’t know, the #1 sign that you’ve started menopause is the lack of periods. If you kept your ovaries, you get to play the Guessing Game like me.)

Your period can be anywhere from 5-10 days. PMS can start 5-11 days before your period, and ovulation lasts 1-2 days. That’s as low as 11, or as high as 23 days a month that us women have all these damn mental and physical crap problems...literally! Many experts even put that more at the high end of that 23 day range. They say it’s more like 1 week a month we don’t have to deal with it. That beautiful random 7 days a month when we don’t want to smother our husbands in their sleep. Those wonderful days where your kids’ MOOoooooooOOOOOOmmmmmMMMMMM doesn’t sound like nails on a chalkboard, but you lovingly ask “What’s wrong my darlings? Are you guys bored? Would you like mommy to love on you and take you somewhere fun?” And they look at you like you have two heads because the other 23 days a month it’s more like “I swear to God I will take away your sunshine!!”


Oh the loveliness of having to deal with blood coming out from between your legs and you’re peeing more often and you probably have the runs because of all those muscles contracting that triggers your bowels so there is a full on Hazardous Materials Waste Dump going on down there. You walk around like it’s nothing, but literally you’re one damn sneeze away from a quarantine.

I will never understand any man’s desire to have sex with a woman on her period. I bet those are the guys that like real gory movies and the smell of death.

But no periods right?! Woo Hoo!! The days of carrying a full extra pair of clothes around, and wearing extra shirts, and shoving a pair of underwear in your pocket just in case, a sweater to wrap around your waste even in the summer, and the ability to fart without triggering a clean up on aisle 9…….have long passed. I do, however, have to guess now when those days are coming. I just don’t’ bleed, that’s the only difference. Sure, it’s a great difference, if you like mysteries.


I can be sitting on the couch shoving chocolate in my face, crying over that beautiful day at the beach 7 years ago, and irritable because there’s a giant zit on my nose, and my daughter will come over…”Mom, do I have any extra pads at your house?” YOU BITCH. Get your damn syncing hormones away from me! Then we cry and eat chocolate together. She has a zit on her chin.

Yes, synced up, just like before. Mine is now more prone to the staying on the full moon schedule. I’ve written about it before, The Phantom Bleeder.

I just never pay attention to when it’s coming, until someone says “Oooo, it’s almost a full moon”. That’s your warning that I’m about to transform into the Werewolf of Whatthefuckiswrongwithme. Tell me I’m beautiful and my skin looks great, then take 2 steps back, throw chocolate, and leave a bottle of wine.


So here I am, 10 years later, in my mid 40’s wondering when I’ll start menopause. When will the hot flashes come? Will my Fibromyalgia kick in and cool me down? When will the ‘Change of life’ happen? When will the hormones run out, and am I supposed to refill them like your car oil? When will my ovaries cough out the last decades old egg, sunny side up? When?

You’d think that there was some high tech testing system in place by now. Nope. Menopause happens when you haven’t had your period in a year. Yaaaaaa, thaaaaanks!


Symptoms of Menopause

Irregular periods
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Trouble Sleeping
Mood Swings
Difficulty concentrating
Libido changes or
Pain during intercourse
Vaginal dryness
Change in hair, skin and nails
Weight change
Headaches and Joint problems
Frequent urination
Changes in breasts; size, shape and tenderness
Decrease of Estrogen levels
Basically it’s Puberty all over again, but backwards.


The only positive way to know is through lack of periods and a test for decreasing hormone levels.
After age 50, the risks for heart disease, osteoporosis, and high cholesterol increases.

Here lies Hippies Uterus
It was rode hard
And almost bust
From too many fruit
And now it’s dust

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

You are what you eat

You are what you eat


You are (literally, made of) what you eat. Sure you have bones and muscle and blood, but the quality and integrity of each atomic particle that makes up your entire body consists of chemical compounds different than those of other people. Due to the following chemicals being injected into animals, a person who eats a large amount of meat, dairy and eggs is going to have higher levels of antibiotics, steroids, or growth hormones in their system. A vegan, who doesn’t eat those animal products at all, will have a lower level, although there are chemicals they need to be watchful for based on a plant diet.

This is NOT a ‘Be a Vegan Pledge’, not that it's a bad way of eating at all. It's called Eat Real Food. This is a ‘Pay attention to what you put in your body’ plea.

They do have free-range; non-anything-injected cows and chickens, which is at least a good way to start. The down side is that the animal is still slaughtered, and the manner in which it is killed can be just as alarming. They dump a lot of emotions and stress into their circulation system as they’re dying.     We are eating pain and fear.

        And then all that meat tastes even better deep fried, with deep fried appetizers, and deep friend ice cream for dessert. An excessive amount of flour, oil and chemical laden foods should be something of concern if it’s consumed often. GMO’s and pesticides are causing a vast amount of damage to your system too! That’s a novel itself.

It’s all about the quality of life

        The better the quality of your food is, the better the quality of you as a whole in body, mind and spirit. Do not underestimate your body's need for water and green vegetables.
        The poorer the quality of food, the harder your body has to work to process that artificial junk, and then it’s those chemicals and smells and secretions that our body then emits.

It has to come get out somehow.
 Fruit, vegetables, seeds, nuts, beans and grains don’t need instruction manuals. Those are things called “FOOD”. The most simplest definition:  GROWS FROM GROUND
Other than having a different kind of chemical imbalance, possibly, what do you smell like when you sweat?  Is it an unusually high amount of foul odor?  Does it smell like McDonalds? Do you eat like shit? Does all your food have microwavable directions?

You know what a vegans sweat smells like? Fucking coconut water. ;)

Let’s talk about down south. Dark urine, orange or neon green, would generally suggest that you are dehydrated or need to lay off the Mountain Dew.
Do your farts smell like they could choke a donkey? That would be the aroma of greasy, sugary, artificially incrusted shit coated in a vast amount of junk and processed slime.

                          If YOU don’t know what it is, your body doesn’t either!  
        Do the ingredients on the pre-packaged foods you impulsively eat out of habit, stress, trauma, or addiction contain several words you can’t even pronounce except for FLOUR, SUGAR, OIL, ARTIFICIAL COLORS, ARTIFICAL FLAVORS, etc?

Back to the animal injections

Question anything the Food and Drug Administration tells you is safe.

Why do the animals need to be injected with so many antibiotics? Is the meat constantly getting infected?! The regular intake of antibiotics causes our bodies to be immune over time in harmony with prescribed antibiotics, and later when it’s a serious illness it necessitates a higher dosage to be effective.

Then you have steroids. What the hell do animals need steroids for?! Are they trying out for the NFL or something?!

Let’s say you run a chicken farm. You got baby chickens that won’t be big enough, to sell to the butcher or start laying eggs, for another 6 to 7 months. So you give those babies RED BULL because Red Bull gives you wings, chicken wings. Yes, steroids will have that baby chicken big enough to slaughter in half the time. You just doubled your profits. And the eggs you get from these steroid chickens, well, they are sold at a higher price due to being Extra-Extra-Large.

        And ah, last but not least, the lovely Growth hormones. The kinds of growth hormones that will have you go bra and feminine pad shopping and have the period talk with your 8 year old daughter. These are the kind of hormones that can increase the growth of tumors as well. The kinds of growth hormones make other things grow faster in your body!

You know your body better than anyone. Listen to it.

Back up 3 years ago

My doctor had informed me during my annual blood work that my cholesterol was skyrocketing. I was pretty sure that cholesterol was directly related to the amount of oil you consumed so I didn’t understand why. I told him that on average I consumed very little oil.  After looking up my meds, it was obvious that it was a side effect from the medications I was already on and then he wanted to give me a pill to lower my cholesterol. Ummm, but it’s high because of a pill. What side effect will I have after that new pill?

It was time to make some radical changes.

I started researching several of my autoimmune diagnosis’ such as Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, Degenerative Disk Disease, Muscular Connective Tissue Disorder, etc, and physical symptoms of fatigue, chronic pain, foggy memory, grogginess, anxiety, panic and mood swings and couldn’t put my finger on why they were so bad, especially when I was obviously on psychiatric medications for all the mood swings and bouts of anger and panic attacks! I had no idea how to help with the physical part, but apparently the psych meds were useless.

        Why do I still feel sick? What am I taking this med for when I’m now in different situation in life, that I was prior to, but still have severe mood swings!? I’m in a different relationship, with more peaceful surroundings, less toxic people, less stress, less life problems, more positive personal growth, well being, less physical work, more focus on my health….it has all led me to stopping my medications, and changing my diet.

It was time to be proactive and research for myself because something’s got to give.

 When I read an article discussing the Top 10 signs of Gluten Intolerance a light went on. I slumped back in chair staring at the screen, and what I saw was,

 “This is why you’re sick and take medication”. It was an epiphany. And the doctors agreed.

I had made a food journal. I was determined to find out the cause for sure. I also suffered from bad allergies. I was so utterly exhausted and fatigued daily that by lunch time, I was going down for a 3-5 hour nap. I was completely spent. I had already filed for disability due to chronic pain and multiple surgeries from failing health. It just kept getting worse, and decades of full time work while raising kids on top of being sick was only wearing me down faster.

I dove in head first with stopping gluten just to see if that was it. Within 48 hours I realized that too much flour made me tired, and sugar made my muscles hurt and burn. 

Boom. No questions asked. No complaints. I knew it would be hard, and I had no idea how much I was going to have to relearn to eat, but snap, just like that, I was convinced, and felt the change 10 fold.

I stopped all wheat flour, and about 90 % sugar.

My fatigue reduced by 75%. I reduced my medications all by an average of 75%. (I completely cut 3, and reduced the other 3 by half) I wasn’t horribly tired any more. I didn’t hurt as much. I had more energy. I felt better. I went GLUTEN FREE. I lost weight and felt like a brand new woman!

I also stopped getting sick. I haven’t had the flu and only 1 cold in 3 years. Not one times have I needed antibiotics. (For the record, we’ve been homeschooling the kids for almost 3 years too, so they are not around so many sick kids as much as public schools) I use natural medicine, herbs, oils, and extra medicinal green herbs. I have numerous autoimmune diseases and I don’t get sick! So many mental and physical things changed. The sugar made my injuries burn. The flour instantly made me grouchy and fatigued, and the crash of excess sugar made me angry and jittery. WTF

 I didn’t need psychiatric medications to regulate my moods!!
 I needed a changed in DIET!!

        I am shocked, still to this day 3 years later that by completely cutting gluten, cutting sugar way back, eating far less artificial foods, and way more real food made a whole world of difference.

        I can’t stop the progression of anything. It has gotten worse and I still get tired and the pain is unbearable at times. I’m still disabled. I still have injuries caused by my joints falling apart. But if I hadn’t made that change, my quality of life could be dangerously close to giving up.

I made a change to myself that a pill couldn’t touch.

If you or a loved one is suffering from ANY autoimmune disease, I highly suggest you help them research the benefits and discomforts of each food or medicine that they intake.

FEMESPLAINING TO MEN: I changed the gasoline to the highest level of octane and the performance is phenomenally better.

Leaving an abuser - Domestic Violence

Leaving An Abuser - Domestic Violence Help

If you made it this far, then you already know what types of abuse there are, and know you need to get out.

       I've been there. I've been in the bowels of darkness, covered in blood, wishing I could just die. I was there, riddled with depression, anxiety and pain. I was there in the days before cool touch screen phones with Google at your fingertips was available. I was there after the Internet was created, but not allowed to be on it. I was there when the sight of me at a borrowed home computer gave the impression that a man was going to suddenly jump out of it and start having sex with me right then and there, because obviously I was online to talk to men. Obviously I was trying to figure out how to get away. (I used computers at work, but apparently that didn't bother him since I was bringing home money).

Random Link Away From This Page --- Funny cat videos

He was always aware of my desire to escape. The Mental abuse was more challenging. That is exactly what the psychological warfare was all about. Brainwashing.     


Never let on what you're doing. - It's important to not deviate from your routine. Any help you receive, or plans you make has to be something you do quickly while on a shopping errand, groceries, anywhere that you're allowed to be out of his (OR HER) sight.

Always act casual, or whatever his version of normal is. - Acting different, or smug, or like you got something up your sleeve is a dead giveaway. Don't be cocky and think that he doesn't know what you're doing. Don't act overly nice or accommodating either. Just be how you are, and not be anxious or dart your eyes around too much while quietly in deep thought. These are telling signs that you're up to something.

Make copies of all important documents. - Marriage license, birth certificates, social security cards, income verification, Health and Social Services documents, doctor papers, pictures of bruises or injuries, car titles, leases, utility bills, anything that can prove who you are, and where you've been, and have the necessary papers for where you want to go. There are places that will help you get some of things back, but if you can get away with making copies here and there, do it.

Make copies of keys too, garage, storage, locks, house and car.
Find A Domestic Violence Shelter Near You ---

Hide a stash of clothes for you and kids, nickel and dime your way to any extra money you ever get or can get away with. Put it somewhere you know they won't find it but don't assume that they aren't always looking for stuff you may hide. Keep it at work or with a very trusted neighbor, just anywhere that he won't have access to.

Know your way out, where to go, when to call for help, when and how to leave. Practice your escape route if you can, but at a normal pace. Don't expect that it will all happen in 2 minutes, when it will really take 10 because you're being casual about it.

Write down all phone numbers you'll ever need and put them in your hiding spot. Keep track of what you have hidden there, and keep the phone numbers, addresses, websites, emails and any pertinent information about your abuser up to date. Write down his information also, such as date of birth, social security number, detail physical description and the type of abuse too. His work information, mom, dad, cousin, everyone you know that is affiliated with him.... write it down.
Leaving is the scariest and most dangerous time.

They are anticipating it. It was at these times when I experienced the most pain and destruction and realized the true meaning of "sleeping with the enemy". I would quickly change gears and pretend like nothing was wrong if I got the whiff of him knowing. Even though I was in the midst of abuse, I was alive. BUT I WAS NOT LIVING. I was merely existing. Knowing when to leave, run or literally flee for your life is all about timing.


Random Link Away From This Page ---

Plan your escape. The time to go is when they LEAST expect it. They expect it right after hurting you and all the way up until right after the beginning of the Honeymoon Phase when the "I'm Sorry" and Gift-Giving starts again. They'll second guess whether you're accepting of their apology before relaxing and getting comfortable with you being complacent once more. Don't act differently or let on that This Is It. This is the last time.

Things will be less tense during now and before it's too long... ''you'll do something, it'll be your fault, look what you made him/her do". You'll know.
The Cycle Of Abuse 

     Before the cycle starts again is when their guard is down, or if you happen to have all your stuff together somewhere and you're free to run, but it's when they least expect it, do it. When they are confident they've roped you in one more time, so as long as you don't act odd or give warning or nervous and tip them off.... RUN!

     I endured it from someone the size of a doorway and could physically stop me. It's knowing why to go as well, not just when. Believing that its undeserving. You DO NOT deserve this! It can change the way you think about things and cause you to question your judgment and reality.
Their mission is to get in your head and control you.
I feared (and will still at various times due to PTSD) contact, retaliation, physical harm or danger to me or my kids, cyber bullying, stalking, psychological torture such as brainwashing, man this guy was a real winner. The kind of guy that never gets in trouble for anything either.

They can be smooth talkers and make you look crazy, gaslighting you, while telling the cops that you are the real problem and they are just the loving wonderful man that they see before them who is just trying to have a nice family time. This is what they are good at....HIDING A SECRET.

Sadly, some police officers are just not trained enough to recognize these signs.

I'm going on more than 8 years DV free while struggling through the stages of Early Survival to Successful Happiness and mentoring. I didn't even know what DV was while I was in the midst of it. I left and got a Restraining Order, although he has never stayed in one place long enough to be found and served. Maybe I should have pressed charges and sent him to jail. Maybe I'm just better off away from it all. Maybe he tried to abuse someone else, and they'll be stronger than I was and send him to prison. Maybe......

If I stay hidden and not talk about it, he wins. And yet the fear is enough to stay anonymous. It's just enough to get as far as I've gotten now, and hopefully you'll be even more successful than me.

I have made many life changes but revealing my name and location isn't one of them.

Random Link Away From This Page ---
I can't promise that the depression, anxiety and pain will completely go away.
But you will be a SURVIVOR of Domestic Abuse,
not a VICTIM.

Thrifty Full Time RV Living and Travel


I’ve gotten several messages on different forms of SM asking about how to save money, and how to get out there, travel and enjoy life!! For purposes of posting and referencing, I'm going to focus on doing Full Time only. OK!

This budget is DOABLE FOR $1,000 A MONTH, plus food. It’s up to you.
           If you have that much a month in retirement, you can do this. If you can make at least that much money on a traveling job, then you can do this. I can’t expand further on the different ways, mostly Internet based, to make money as this is mainly concentrating on thrifty and full time travel. How you come up with that much money every month is up to you, but a simple adventurous life surely waits.
The first list is going to be a BASE LIST of bills, (most of these I have set to auto pay since the amount doesn’t change) that doesn't fluctuate much, depending on whether we would be traveling or in a stick built, and then we'll get into traveling specifics based on your needs, your family's, and your Rigs'. The cost of the vehicle and Rig are not included in this budget.
Your base/fixed bills for a family might include;
Phone - At least have that. Certain packages will include Internet too.
Internet, not a necessity, unless it's required for you to make money.
Cable, not a necessity. Although these 2 aren’t necessities, if you have children you probably want them. You can easily get a free membership at your local Library and can even get online and rent free movies with them.
Vehicle Insurance
RV Insurance - This blog is intended for those with at least one vehicle, and one RV.
Membership dues, not a necessity.
Storage, not a necessity. Keep things minimal. Reduce, reuse, recycle.
Mailing Service, not necessity if you choose to have all your bills paperless.
Phone/Internet: $55 (phone not included)
I have a used Android phone with AT&T'S monthly plan. SIM cards are usually free. It's a great deal. You know how they finally let user’s data just slow down, instead of charging for going over? Well, they've been doing that on the month to month plan for at least 4-5 years!
In fact, they've almost tripled the high speed data allowance in the last 2 years alone! And you get $5 off with auto-pay.
You can buy different data and calling packages with them, and other phone companies do it too, but with traveling so far I haven't had many problems.
Cell coverage is your #1 priority
Especially in an emergency!
In desolate wilderness, AT&T might not work. The coverage overall is pretty good though.
Even when cell service expires after 30 days if you haven't made a payment, you can still get online. It's a 30 day plan, not a monthly, so the due date will vary slightly. The money needs to be in your account the day before, in order to save $5 on auto pay, otherwise it's $60 a month.
You get:
Unlimited calling.
Unlimited texting.
8 gigs of 4g, and then slow after that. (As of 2017)
It's fast enough for a mobile device to access most sites and use apps, provided there isn't 17 things running at the same time. If you rarely use the Internet, you could stream a few movies once a month. :)
It's not fast enough to run Google Maps without glitching. In fact, download a few trucking map apps, just to check the different routes.
Cable: $60 (dish and receiver not included)
I'm doing a rough guesstimation on this, as my husband is in charge of added movie packages. Without the premium movie channels, the most common package is $60. It's another monthly plan, but this time from DISH.
DISH - The ONLY pay-as-you-go satellite service that there is!
As with the AT&T plan, the phone wasn't included, but there are a lot more of those lying around than dishes and receivers. You buy the receiver and pick out the dish and mount, tripod or roof, and pick a plan. When the 30 days is up, no hidden charges, taxes or late just goes off, like the cell phone.
The hardware is $150-300 based on type of receiver, type of satellite dish, and type of mount, and if you already own of those things. We got a great deal on a used portable dish that sits on the ground next to your RV. You still need to point it in the right direction and program it whenever you move.
Car insurance: $99 (my average)
We're starting to get into 'It depends on you'.
If you happen to be a mom in her 40's with a clean driving record and also using the same broker for several years, you can get killer rates too.
'If you're having lead foot problems, I feel bad for you son,
But I got $99 and a high bill ain't one'.
2 adults,
2 vehicles,
1 full coverage,
1 Liability,
Both road side assistance

RIG Insurance: $75
There is a big difference in price based on whether you have a Motor home (big vehicle with engine) or a 5th wheel (trailer with no motor).
I have a used, still fully functional and operating motor home. If you get one less than 20 +/- years old, based on your state/broker laws and fully insure it, you won't need pictures. After that, when you start up or make large changes is when you will be asked for photos. You may see a broker, but there is someone at an office somewhere analyzing the photos and detailing every feature and value, and to make sure it still exists. ;)
Getting an extra large policy on a 20 + year old rig is going to take a massive amount of picture proving. Maybe even 3 extra pictures of the VIN number based on a certain way the sun shines on it.
35 foot Class A Motor home with less than 100k miles.
Insured for:
Blue book value
Personal Property - all loose items in rig
Other People’s Property
For Structural damages (something that big could go through a structure in a big way)
Road side service - BE VERY WARNED
The trucks needed to tow you, or even just get you unstuck if you are a motor home, are the same big tow trucks for Semi trucks. You could be waiting up to 24 hours for one to be available.
However, if you are stuck somewhere unsafe or in the way, police are able to magically summon that very truck within an hour, where you can then retrieve your rig from impound for the same price as a year’s insurance.
Don’t get stuck. Always always have a spare tire and battery. A 3 ton jack wouldn't hurt either.
Have emergency funds, unless you're ok with staying where you break down.
Storage: $75
So you can put all that stuff you shouldn't buy because it's only going in storage but you do it anyway because its s.... Oooh Something Shiny!!
Obviously, not everyone needs to rent a storage. This is easily something to live without if you keep things minimal.
Mailing service: $100 Average yearly, if needed
If you don't have family or a base house that you park at on and off that can receive mail, or any other address that is legal to use, then you might need to set up a PO Box or use an outsourced mail box company. UPS and Amazon Lockboxes are also available resources.
Membership dues:
Camping World / Good Sam's
KOA - Rarely stay there, too expensive to qualify for thrifty. A primo spot at a popular park will cost you more than $50 a night.
There are a plethora of camping, forestry, mining, camp hosting, state jobs and memberships as well as the Federal Park discount for seniors and disabled, and every State Park has its own. California has a ‘half off for life on all State Parks and State Campgrounds. I highly suggest looking into this locally.
**So far, it's costing you $300-$400 a month, and you haven't even left the house, or town, yet. These are the bills that you’ll pay every month, no matter where you are. Make sure you know that amount when you figure your own budget for the actual cost of traveling between destinations.**

Variable Bills and Travel Costs
This is a specific list of bills associated with traveling, not stationery in a park;
Rent – In RV parks, mobile home, camp grounds, state parks, wherever you pay money to stay overnight.
Power – Usually included in the price of parks, but if using the generator then power is mostly gasoline.
Propane – The is to run the stove, sometime central heater, and for the water heater and the fridge, especially while driving.
Gasoline – The cost of gas to travel, as well as how much you’ll go through if using the generator for power.
Miscellaneous – There will always be something you need for the vehicle, rig, extra tools, unforeseen occurrences, and expensive things that break, etc. Bargain shop these items and tools 2nd hand as often as possible. Sometimes you can rent what you need.
Entertainment/Savings – If you got some left over for it, awesome. Save save save is all I can stress!

Park Rent:
The average cost of an RV Park, on a monthly plan with utilities included, based on the amenities and distance to conveniences in the area, is roughly $500-750 a month. This would be your typical rent/power bill. Propane cost goes down some if you're not boon docking.
Gasoline is $0.
You may not have any other expenses than that besides food and household which puts your base bills plus rent and conveniences (not including food) at $750-$1,050 total. The amount you spend in conveniences has to be weighed against food costs.
BUT, Who said you had to stay in one spot?!
You CAN travel for that, and even cheaper in some places!
       How much you can handle the inconveniences of boon docking (dry camping, truck stops, and rest stops, forest land, anywhere you're not hooked up) would determine the price of that answer.
       You can't set up the satellite dish tripod out in the woods on BLM land. Well you can, but I don't recommend it. Being comfortably set up in a park is a different way of living, than never being in the same spot for more than a few days and always having to secure things when you move around.
       Go through your stick built and turn every light and powered device off that doesn't need to be on. You will probably be running the fridge and a few clocks or electronics. Though it’s not much, it is still power. This is equal to about a gallon of gasoline a day in a Rig. (At least figure that into your average cost of power for gas/propane per day, if you run nothing else.)
If you are on bare minimum usage, 30 gallons of gas, roughly $100 a month based on location and calendar season, should last you. And that's "Rent". You're already own your home. You’re just parking it in different cities/towns/forests all the time. If you are using your coffee pot, microwave, AC or TV several hours of the day, your fuel usage will dramatically increase.
(I have not included food cost in this budget due to its wide variable, including having a completely different diet or shopping habits than others. If you’re smart with your money, you’re food budget shouldn’t be high either. You could have 6 people in your family, and your food bill be $500 more than the single person, who can still use this base budget as well.)
Propane: $25 (may vary slightly)
In the morning I use the propane stove to percolate coffee. If you have a 3 way fridge, such as Norco, which runs on gasoline, propane and AC, then you don't need the generator on all night, as the fridge pulls power from the propane, which is ignited by the
12 volt shore battery that you MUST have.
Average stove and hot water heater use of propane will run you about $25 + monthly. In very cold weather, turn your hot water heater off until you need it.
If you are hooked up, your propane use should go down some from the fridge not running off it, or if you take showers in the ones provided at the campground/RV Park)
When Boon docking:

We rotate the generators time on and off by doing the following:
2 Hours in the morning of having every electronic device charging, watch TV, do all the 'this needs to be plugged in' type of activities or cooking. After that, we can use whatever charged device we choose, or read, or play games, or go outside, or leave, or any number of activities that do not require electricity.
The generator is off for several hours at a time. (The fridge is still on from using the propane, and you can still cook on the stove, and most overhead lights are powered by the battery. That’s how you hang out all day without using gas for the generator, assuming that all aspects of your rig are working.
1 -2 hours in the afternoon. Same thing. Recharging stuff or running the microwave or AC for a bit to cool down. Always remember to start the engine at least 1 daily. You should have 2-3 batteries, and know how much shore power you're using. One is the ‘Starting Battery’ that starts the engine, and the other is the ‘Shore Battery’ that runs the lights and fridge. Get large, well-powered batteries.
2-3 hours at night. Heavier use. Using small appliances for dinner, watching a movie, any numerous plug-in options including closing everything down and running a heater for a short time to warm it up for the night. Most hand held devices will charge up in this amount of time, and still usable long enough to read or watch a movie on your tablet or laptop.
No matter what, you can’t run more things than the allowable amps available.
The more things you plug in, the more gas you eat up. Conserving water is another story.
6 total hours average a day running the generator, and being able to do SO much that you barely notice the inconvenience of not being powered up all day, for the most part is equivalent to roughly 60-75 gallons of gas a month. It's worth it to fill up as often as you can wherever you find gas the cheapest.
"Travel Rent" $200-300 in gas. This is the cost of rent to live wherever you want, if it's legal for you to stay there, avoiding No Overnight parking signs, if you have to move every few days, or you need to get to an RV park so you can shower and dump tanks. Otherwise, parking wherever you are able to, and staying as long as possible in each spot, will get you cheap 'rent'. Dumping the tanks and refilling up your water reservoir is probably about $10 a pop at most RV parks, and even free at some truck and rest stops. You really want to be self contained!

Don't forget the convenience of having a gym membership that will allow you to take showers for a small fee. This is a great deal for car and van Dwellers. The electricity you use would be smaller based on having a converter/extra battery that you would need to charge daily. Again, don't let both those batteries go dead.
Let me assure you, there is not 6 inches of wall insulation on that Rig so unless you’re in a tiny house in which there's a lot more than 1/2 inch of foam insulation, you may have more costs from temperature control.
Do NOT fill up the tank in the motor home, drive until you run out of gas and money, and then just stay there the rest of the month. It sounds fun but not having any money for food and supplies and gas for the generator is a downer. You’re really going to want to cook, take a shower and live feasibly comfortable somewhat for the next 3 weeks. AT LEAST, fill up the tank again when you get there, and you might make it boon docking all month on that.
If you CAN do that, make sure you explore as much as possible in the surrounding area before heading out the next month. Some adventures need to be planned, especially on a budget. Take advantage of all the free entertainment you can get your hands on. Visit the local library whenever you're staying in a new area. Not only will they have amenities, but usually carry an ample amount of books and magazines on local things to do and places to go.
Don’t forget >  Generators are designed to stop sucking gas out of the tank when the tank reaches a ¼ full. It’s a safety measure. Before you go boon docking 'way wayyyy out there, go with a full tank of gas and all the supplies you need, so you don't have to move for a week and the engine can still start.
WARNING >>> In extreme temperatures, you may be running a floor heater or the AC'S on top and that means running the generator twice as much, if not all day and night long. The AC can warm up quick and not run as effective, as well as a lot of heat can escape or come in through the windows. Tinting and reflective material greatly help keep costs down, and regulate the temperature inside your rig.
Your "Travel Rent" could go up easily to the same cost as a park. If that happens, and you find yourself not having travel money, I suggest you immediately reevaluate your finances and cut what can be. You could be at a park that lets you to run the AC all day, and provides nice amenities, but you could also find a boon docking spot that's actually a better climate with less people and that way you'll save gas money for driving to your next destination.<<<

You could also travel to areas that are always nice in weather, but you will have a harder time finding a paid site, which might make boon docking the only plan you have.
Misc: Laundry. Dump station fee. $50
If you decide to travel a day a week, or one week a month, you'll need to dump your tanks, replenish your water supply, stock up on supplies, get more gas or go to the Laundromat at least once a week anyway.
Entertainment/Savings - Your own variables and personal choices after all the bills are paid. I've been a single mom, anywhere from staving off the inches between us and the actual pavement to, traveling all over the West Coast experiencing incredible things in majestic places while Road Schooling my twin boys. Not everything you do has to cost money.
Life is beautiful!
Your own list can vary greatly based on your needs, wants, location, hobby interests, convenient seeking or rugged living desires.
How much you want to travel, how often you travel and what you're traveling in will change the budget.
This is a very doable list for $1,000 a month.
Your food budget will always vary based on the amount of people in your group. Go to food banks, churches, shop sales only, learn to can, hunt, dehydrate, or fasting once a week. Anything to cut costs without risking your health.
If you are working, you can comfortably start at $1,000 and add about $200 extra per person after that. There are greater variables if you’re working such as commuting in your tow vehicle, tools required, meals, additional unforeseen expenses, damages, etc. Working, usually means you're on a schedule, and may need to pay for repairs, instead of spending time doing them yourself.