Leaving an abuser - Domestic Violence

Leaving An Abuser - Domestic Violence Help

If you made it this far, then you already know what types of abuse there are, and know you need to get out.

       I've been there. I've been in the bowels of darkness, covered in blood, wishing I could just die. I was there, riddled with depression, anxiety and pain. I was there in the days before cool touch screen phones with Google at your fingertips was available. I was there after the Internet was created, but not allowed to be on it. I was there when the sight of me at a borrowed home computer gave the impression that a man was going to suddenly jump out of it and start having sex with me right then and there, because obviously I was online to talk to men. Obviously I was trying to figure out how to get away. (I used computers at work, but apparently that didn't bother him since I was bringing home money).

Random Link Away From This Page --- Funny cat videos https://youtu.be/yCUXErWDGss

He was always aware of my desire to escape. The Mental abuse was more challenging. That is exactly what the psychological warfare was all about. Brainwashing.     

https://psychcentral.com/blog/brainwashing-in-abusive-relationships/

 

Never let on what you're doing. - It's important to not deviate from your routine. Any help you receive, or plans you make has to be something you do quickly while on a shopping errand, groceries, anywhere that you're allowed to be out of his (OR HER) sight.

Always act casual, or whatever his version of normal is. - Acting different, or smug, or like you got something up your sleeve is a dead giveaway. Don't be cocky and think that he doesn't know what you're doing. Don't act overly nice or accommodating either. Just be how you are, and not be anxious or dart your eyes around too much while quietly in deep thought. These are telling signs that you're up to something.

Make copies of all important documents. - Marriage license, birth certificates, social security cards, income verification, Health and Social Services documents, doctor papers, pictures of bruises or injuries, car titles, leases, utility bills, anything that can prove who you are, and where you've been, and have the necessary papers for where you want to go. There are places that will help you get some of things back, but if you can get away with making copies here and there, do it.

Make copies of keys too, garage, storage, locks, house and car.

 

 

Find A Domestic Violence Shelter Near You ---

https://www.domesticshelters.org/search#?page=1

Hide a stash of clothes for you and kids, nickel and dime your way to any extra money you ever get or can get away with. Put it somewhere you know they won't find it but don't assume that they aren't always looking for stuff you may hide. Keep it at work or with a very trusted neighbor, just anywhere that he won't have access to.

Know your way out, where to go, when to call for help, when and how to leave. Practice your escape route if you can, but at a normal pace. Don't expect that it will all happen in 2 minutes, when it will really take 10 because you're being casual about it.

Write down all phone numbers you'll ever need and put them in your hiding spot. Keep track of what you have hidden there, and keep the phone numbers, addresses, websites, emails and any pertinent information about your abuser up to date. Write down his information also, such as date of birth, social security number, detail physical description and the type of abuse too. His work information, mom, dad, cousin, everyone you know that is affiliated with him.... write it down.

 

 

Leaving is the scariest and most dangerous time.

They are anticipating it. It was at these times when I experienced the most pain and destruction and realized the true meaning of "sleeping with the enemy". I would quickly change gears and pretend like nothing was wrong if I got the whiff of him knowing. Even though I was in the midst of abuse, I was alive. BUT I WAS NOT LIVING. I was merely existing. Knowing when to leave, run or literally flee for your life is all about timing.

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

THEY TOO LIVE IN FEAR.....FEAR THAT THEY'LL GET CAUGHT.

THAT GUILTY FEAR IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN!  

Random Link Away From This Page --- https://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/

Plan your escape. The time to go is when they LEAST expect it. They expect it right after hurting you and all the way up until right after the beginning of the Honeymoon Phase when the "I'm Sorry" and Gift-Giving starts again. They'll second guess whether you're accepting of their apology before relaxing and getting comfortable with you being complacent once more. Don't act differently or let on that This Is It. This is the last time.

 

Things will be less tense during now and before it's too long... ''you'll do something, it'll be your fault, look what you made him/her do". You'll know.

 

The Cycle Of Abuse 

http://domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

     Before the cycle starts again is when their guard is down, or if you happen to have all your stuff together somewhere and you're free to run, but it's when they least expect it, do it. When they are confident they've roped you in one more time, so as long as you don't act odd or give warning or nervous and tip them off.... RUN!


     I endured it from someone the size of a doorway and could physically stop me. It's knowing why to go as well, not just when. Believing that its undeserving. You DO NOT deserve this! It can change the way you think about things and cause you to question your judgment and reality.

Their mission is to get in your head and control you.

I feared (and will still at various times due to PTSD) contact, retaliation, physical harm or danger to me or my kids, cyber bullying, stalking, psychological torture such as brainwashing, man this guy was a real winner. The kind of guy that never gets in trouble for anything either.

They can be smooth talkers and make you look crazy, gaslighting you, while telling the cops that you are the real problem and they are just the loving wonderful man that they see before them who is just trying to have a nice family time. This is what they are good at....HIDING A SECRET.

Sadly, some police officers are just not trained enough to recognize these signs.

http://ptsdtreatmenthelp.com/domestic-violence-and-ptsd/

I'm going on more than 8 years DV free while struggling through the stages of Early Survival to Successful Happiness and mentoring. I didn't even know what DV was while I was in the midst of it. I left and got a Restraining Order, although he has never stayed in one place long enough to be found and served. Maybe I should have pressed charges and sent him to jail. Maybe I'm just better off away from it all. Maybe he tried to abuse someone else, and they'll be stronger than I was and send him to prison. Maybe......

If I stay hidden and not talk about it, he wins. And yet the fear is enough to stay anonymous. It's just enough to get as far as I've gotten now, and hopefully you'll be even more successful than me.

I have made many life changes but revealing my name and location isn't one of them.

Random Link Away From This Page --- http://www.tvguide.com/

 

 

I can't promise that the depression, anxiety and pain will completely go away.

But you will be a SURVIVOR of Domestic Abuse,

not a VICTIM.

 

The day my hair died

It may seem like a silly thing to say, or think about, your hair dying, but that's how it looked and I felt how it looked.
This isn't a story about a bad color job, although remind me about the time I bleached it at home.

I was separated by my 1st husband of 10 years by about a year or so when I had the misfortune of bumping into The Abuser. Exactly 2 weeks later I got pregnant with twins. By the next day, I didn't even like him anymore and was going to tell him to kick rocks. Crazy how I know my body so well, I had that gut feeling to wait.

When people talk about a Wolf In Sheep's Clothing, they meant this guy. He was extra tall, blonde hair, blue eyed, muscular, and looked dead on like Prince Charming. That shoulda been my clue to fucking run. But this is where I say "I wouldn't have my twins or be where I am now if it wasn't for......ya".

Abusers don't start out like that of course! You don't see a guy being a controlling douche manipulative alcoholic misogynistic arrogant lying cheating addict cunt wagon and go "My goodness, where have you been all my life?!"

They fucking woooooooo you. (Then its a brainwashed Stockholm Syndrome and everyone thinks you're the one who's the bad guy). It's called the Honeymoon Phase. You'll have hundreds of them, more than lunar cycles I'm sure, but back to my hair.

You see, I didn't have just any hair, I had thick, very thick, very long, naturally highlighted, very kinky spiral curly hair. A long non permed mane. I loved it. I only wear it long. No short do has ever been cute and it wasn't cut for the first time until I was 13.
My daughter has it. My heart. ♡

         Not me, was longer but close enough.


Stress can do some crazy things to you physically. Not long after, I'm 5 months pregnant with twins and the abuse is front and center, and I'm having thoughts of driving off a cliff to rid the world of it all. Him, me, 2 boys who still don't know the half of what I went through to stay alive.

One day, I'm in the shower and after rinsing my hair I noticed quite a bit in my hand. It wasn't odd for me to lose a lot, but the handfuls wouldn't stop. I panicked. I got out of the shower and didn't brush my hair, just put it in a bun for fear of brushing it all off. I had been through stressful times, but never had clump after clump of hair just come off so easily. I immediately run to show him, because he's all I got! and I already know before I say anything....what the fuck does he care? Of course he doesn't. He laughed. He laughed at me being miserable stressed and carrying two babies and my hair was falling out.
He was a fucking lunatic.

The next day, I carefully unwrapped my bun and gently brushed it with my best brush from the bottom up. I pulled so many wads of hair out of the bristles. I broke some of them off trying to get it all.
And there it was. Something I hadn't noticed before.....straight roots...inches of it. There was barely a wave to it. I had straight, thin, brittle strands coming out of my head. I could see my scalp! How had I not seen this?!

I took my prenatal pills. I took my iron. I ate healthy, but this was my body pleading for help. It took me a while to listen though, and with each passing month, I was reminded that my hair had died, inch by inch. The spirit within me that lived in it was dying.
It looked so bad that people told me to fix my perm.

So I cut off all the curls, and threw the mane in the trash, along with whatever strength I had left in me and finally ran.

I did my best to feel good and figure out what to do with this lifeless mop, but I and it are one in spirit and pain. It's just "There" now, sometimes like me. The wild, adventurous untamable fire has flat lined.

It's good that time has passed and I make do with the new do. It's called the Janis Joplin now.
I marvel at how 1 boy got the thickness and 1 the thin, 1 the curls, 1 straight.
They're almost bigger than me now. It makes me glad were here.

It's still long, just slightly wavy and much much thinner. It's greying now. I tried every expensive hair product to bring it back, but resurrection was not possible. It is what it is.

Some things just need to be cut off and buried.

Valentine's Day

So this is the day where we give flowers and chocolates. I'm over it. I'm glad my BF is glad that I'm over it. Seven years ago today I was sitting in a restaurant 6 months pregnant with twins and the monster got mad at me for some reason and threw his plate of food down, splattering it everywhere. Then he yelled at me, got up and walked out. I was sooooo embarrassed. Wtf could I have said or done to deserve that? Nothing, I did nothing to deserve it, that's what!! I didn't know what to do. I just sat there and took a few bites, brushed the food off, LEFT THE MONEY, and walked out, or should I say waddled.

Everyone was looking. the monster is 6'7" 300 lbs. Everyone always agrees with him, who wouldn't want to. I could see their eyes "she must have done something to deserve it, why would you set him off, its valentines day, what a bitch, she got what she had coming. I read their thoughts straight out of their pupils. the window to your mind. God you people are so easy to read. Yes that's it, put your head down in shame because you don't want to get involved, just stay out of it, right? Let me tell you, I sure as shit don't need you in my village.

While I was cleaning this off my belly, I got dirty looks for ruining everyone's dinner by making him mad. It was all my fault. Yep, I made him do it.


So when my BF suggested Chinese buffet for dinner tonight, I had serious PTSD flashbacks of pulling chow mien off my stomach and flicking rice off my arms. I have learned not to say anything. I want to, but its not his job to BFF my girl issues. Besides, one time he said "so, I have to pay for your exes mistakes?" wake up call. No, you shouldn't have to. I could come up with a whole damn long list of things that cause flashbacks. I mean anything and everything could possibly remind me of some horrible event. But its not happening now! Push it aside. Don't punish the loved ones that are here now. It's not their fault that your mental. Its the monsters fault. Besides, I'm trying to make new happy memories, that way many valentines down the road I will look back and see these ones. Not to mention that I'm not that much into it since it started as a celebration of a roman catholic priest being executed. Just like Christmas, a holiday that is celebrated completely opposite of what it means, which is basically another holiday I don't care about either. BF said "we can just do our own valentine whenever we want, hey tomorrow everything is half off" my kind of man.

We have been together about 2 1/2 years. he totally understands me. On Facebook and other sites you can list if and what kind of relationship you are in. There is one that says "its complicated" BF says "there should be one that's says "She's complicated'" Lmao..love u baby..