Saturday, September 8, 2018

How to care for a newborn

How to care for a newborn; baby doll edition


Once upon a time I was pregnant with my 3rd child. About ready to give birth to the last of my sanity. (Just. Kidding. I still had twins)
 It was time to teach my 3 year old son and my 5 year old daughter how to properly care for a newborn. I'm days away from delivering. So I get an Almost Real Baby Doll talking interactive HeyIts1999LetsProveRobotsWontTakeOverTheWorldIn2000ByBuyingATalkingRobotBaby

Fuck me right?

This thing does the I'M WET and I NEED YOU TO PLAY WITH ME and WAH WAH I WANT MILK or WAH WAH I WANT A COOKIE. Or my favorite oooohhh my freaking favorite

 WAH WAH THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT !"

Nope nope. Put it in the bottom of the toy box and cover it in blankets Nope.
Oh.my.freaking.fuck.wagons.what.the.actual.holy.hell.is.this?!

This doll had that little "microchip fancy schmancy locking death grip on the battery compartment. It'll never shut up until you give it what it wants because its evil! Just shut up!" insert thingamajig in its mouth that could read different foods so while I'm on maternity leave I go from Pregnant and A Solid Teaching Moment to Mother of the Damned TURN IT OFF! Because sure, having a doll wake you up, and I mean IT HAD A FREAKING VOICE THAT LITTLE BITCH would wanna play at 3am and the newborn didn't and I got a kindergartner with 2 hours to go and a wild 3 year old boy and look it's still dark OF WOW EVERYBODYS UP.

So while the newborn is busy eating and sleeping, me and 2 young ones are trying to keep this damn doll happy every 3 hours. THERES NO OFF SWITCH. It takes Power Tools to fix and my ex was too busy working or sleeping to help care for a newborn, LET ALONE A NEEDY DOLL and lose sleep. So Keep it happy, Play A Game, Feed the bitch some milk, Change the Imaginary diaper, put the spoon with the green peas on it, put the ice cream, put the potato, put the spoon of oatmeal, put whatever this damn thing needs in its mouth, every couple of hours. When will the batteries be dead?  This was 1999. I fear for the NanniBot that will soon be available.

But then my grandmother came over. Actually flew, cuz I was a trillion states away and she had Dementia/Alzheimer's preOldTimers disease. And she wakes me up and says "I want to help with the new baby but that doll is asking for a Cheeseburger and I can't find it."

Wow grandma. Poor thing is more crazy than I thought. AND WHY THE HELL ARE WE TAKING CARE OF THIS FUCKING DOLL?  I'm so drained from the actual 3 Kids Under 5 of age  and ones a newborn and you go back to work in 6 weeks and you're a tired zombie! And people are often heard screaming SHUT THAT FUCKING BABY UP is currently playing all day at my house while I got a newborn so no thanks CPS but now I gotta crazy grandma to boot.
So here I am, 3 am, newborn fast asleep attached to my tit, and I'm trying to figure out what its gonna take to make the baby doll happy and the kids and I figured out that the sensors on both the spoon and tongue would read different items, but it was programmed to read everything it came with, even as an add-on and this thing yells out I want Some French Fries BITCH WHAT'D YOU SAY TO ME?

Now I'm freaking out cuz I ain't got no damn french fries so everything is wrong and now you cant make it happy cuz its cries WAH WAH I WANT SOME MILK and you shove the plastic milk bottle in its mouth and yells out THATS A HOT DOG. I WANT MILK WAH WAH.

Bitch I ain't got a hot dog neither!

OH THE BATTERIES ARE FINALLY GOING DEAD. I've entered the Seventh Circle of Hell.

The doll went further down the toy box with every spare blanket and we just waited it out the week until my ex could use power tools and dismantle a doll.

I had twin boys years later. It was a touch of deja vous. A week later her kindergarten teacher asked her about "the new baby in the house". She thought we were talking about the doll cuz even tho I'd given birth, he was currently attached to my boob and wasn't seen since.

OH WE SHOVED HIM IN THE TOY BOX AND PUT BLANKETS OVER HER MOUTH SO SHE'D SHUT THE HEL.....

Oh haha, such a delightful child with a wicked imagination. I had a boy. I don't know what she's talking about.

UH HAH. MEMBER WHEN YOU AND GAM GAM WERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GIVE IT YOUR HOT DOG?

I show people. Nope. He likes the boob! LETS GO YOU FUCKING TATTLE TELLER

......and that's how you care for a newborn Baby Come Alive And Wreck Your Life Doll.

Please feed the baby tho.