Sunday, February 4, 2018

Depression is a narcisstic bitch

This chick needs to fucking go.
All I do is fight fight fight.

I need a break from the chaos in my head that leaked into my real life. I need to get my life on a good track because days like this, it's just meandering on old forgotten overgrown tracks that lead to abandoned stations with no one there to guide you. There's a fire in the engine that drives me, but sometimes there's just no one in control.

     This bitch just comes over whenever she wants and stays much longer that I even care for and it's all about me me me me. A narcissistic bitch is what she is, and Depression is her name. She'll even show up unannounced right in the middle of a good day where everything is going great.
She even brings her friend Anxiety to tag along, just to mix it up and throw wrenches into everything. And lets not leave out PTSD, because that bitch keeps a record of everything.

     Pills, and wine and bud and my smokes. Just a little of everything to numb the pain tonight. Too much here or there and maybe I don't wake up, so let's not do anything rash, after all "It's not a bad life, it's just a bad day." :(

(No seriously, If you are feeling like you literally do not want to live anymore and you are planning an end.... PLEASE call a friend, family, neighbor, social media connection, the hot line, anyone. They even have online chat just so you can have someone to talk to.)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

     I don't usually mix things, since I know it can be dangerous, (stupid really) but I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight, and quite depressed on top of being risky and dangerous. I need to feel a little more numb than I do now because feelings hurt, and coping with them hurts even more. It's just not a good day for me to dig deep and remember my coping strategies.
If I ever down a whole bottle of pills with a whole bottle of wine, I know exactly what I'm doing, but God give me the strength to make a phone call first so I come to my senses. I thought I'd have more people in life, but this bitch pushes everyone away, because it's all about her. It's always all about her....Depression.

Or it's 4 am and you're alone, even if you're married sometimes you feel alone, in bed, in pain and having a miserable time because of

E) All of the above,

and right now I'm just counting down the years until statistically I'll die, counting down the months I cut it by insomnia nights like this, counting down the weeks from when I didn't eat right, and counting down the hours until I have to wake up and wonder WTF is this miserable shit for? What am I doing between now and the inevitable? What is my world, and all the adventures and experiences I'll have between Birth and Death?

What does MY dash represent?  

     Hey at least they have these magic pills that simulate happiness right before numbing everything then making you fall asleep. It's great amiright? Of course you got these doctors that are like "Uh oh, are you addicted?"

Nah man, I love feeling the pain, AND being awake to enjoy it. Double score!!

So sure, you take everything the way you should, and then you're still crying in the middle of the night, because there really isn't anything better to do, and fuck it. I'll just sit here and cry since I literally have no motivation to do anything else.

       I wonder if some Missing People just walked away. Just.......disappeared into the night to start a new life, but ended up in the care of the bridge trolls and the night men.
Maybe it started like some awesome manic fueled Dream Back-Packing Tour and you ended up behind curtain #5.....the girl that will be whoever you want, just not the kind you ever want to love.

Just the kind of girl that makes a mid-grade meh Housewife....excuse me, Homemaker, a part time cook, a warm body, maybe a friend or money tree so someone else can have a life and dreams while you merely exists, not even enjoying things that once made you happy because.....wait, was I ever happy? Did anything I every want and love matter?
What matters is that you get back up the next day and do it again.
And again.
And again!

And you know you're contagious so why bother right? You'll only depress other people. If only happiness was as catching as sadness. Maybe it is and I got this all wrong.

     But in the meantime, I'll lay here and have a lovely lonely evening of feeling as numb and euphoric as the earth will allow until it swallows me back up from hence I was created and that unwanted, unneeded, narcissistic bitch Depression with her purse full of Feel Goods and Pain Numb'ers is really a masquerade of Charlatans, unwelcome in your home and they refuse to give you your hearts desire and only dangle it from an unreachable distance! Such torture!

     She merely sits there in the dark corner, smoking your last cigarette, smirking at your suffering, the only person who knows what your misery is and enables it, and hands you her purse asking which one do you want more of, the pill "Pain and Wishes"...or "The Magical Forgets".

    Only when she snuffs out that cigarette with at least 3 hits left on that bitch, that you snatch the purse and take them all as she throws back her head and cackles evilly ....."They all do the Same! HaHaHa!"

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