Happy Anniversary
to No Periods!
But when the Hell is Menopause?!
10 years. It was 10 years ago this month that a very
used, very stretched out, tired and cranky uterus was cut from my body, thrown
into an incinerator and burnt to a crisp.
Good fucking riddance! In case you’ve never had the
pleasure of having blood randomly come out of your body…
Thank God you can't get pregnant by swallowing. I mean, those eggs gotta go somewhere right?
Here are the most
common symptoms of Menstruation:
Abdominal Bloating
Abdominal Pain
Sore Breasts
Acne
Food Cravings, mostly sweets
Constipation
Diarrhea
Headaches
Migraines
Sensitivity to Light or Sound
Changes in sleep pattern
Sadness
Anxiety
Depression
Fatigue
Estrogen levels change
Irritability
Emotional outbursts
Blood coming out of your vagina
And here are the most
common symptoms, after you’ve had a Hysterectomy, but kept your ovaries:
Abdominal Bloating
Abdominal Pain
Sore Breasts
Acne
Food Cravings, mostly sweets
Constipation
Diarrhea
Headaches
Migraines
Sensitivity to Light or Sound
Changes in sleep pattern
Sadness
Anxiety
Depression
Fatigue
Estrogen levels change
Irritability
Emotional outbursts
Blood coming out of your vagina
SCORE! RIGHT?!
(In case you had your ovaries taken too, don’t forget to
take your Hormone Pills unless you feel like going thru Phantom Menopause.
Because for anyone that doesn’t know, the #1 sign that you’ve started menopause
is the lack of periods. If you kept your ovaries, you get to play the Guessing
Game like me.)
Your period can be anywhere from 5-10 days. PMS can start
5-11 days before your period, and ovulation lasts 1-2 days. That’s as low as 11, or as high as 23 days a month that us women have all these damn mental and
physical crap problems...literally! Many experts even put that more at the high
end of that 23 day range. They say it’s more like 1 week a month we don’t have
to deal with it. That beautiful random
7 days a month when we don’t want to smother our husbands in their sleep. Those
wonderful days where your kids’ MOOoooooooOOOOOOmmmmmMMMMMM doesn’t sound like
nails on a chalkboard, but you lovingly ask “What’s wrong my darlings? Are you
guys bored? Would you like mommy to love on you and take you somewhere fun?”
And they look at you like you have two heads because the other 23 days a month
it’s more like “I swear to God I will
take away your sunshine!!”
Oh the loveliness of having to deal with blood coming out
from between your legs and you’re peeing more often and you probably have the
runs because of all those muscles contracting that triggers your bowels so
there is a full on Hazardous Materials Waste Dump going on down there. You walk
around like it’s nothing, but literally you’re
one damn sneeze away from a quarantine.
I will never understand any man’s desire to have sex with
a woman on her period. I bet those are the guys that like real gory movies and
the smell of death.
But no periods right?! Woo Hoo!! The days of carrying a
full extra pair of clothes around, and wearing extra shirts, and shoving a pair
of underwear in your pocket just in case, a sweater to wrap around your waste
even in the summer, and the ability to fart without triggering a clean up on
aisle 9…….have long passed. I do, however, have to guess now when those days
are coming. I just don’t’ bleed, that’s the only difference. Sure, it’s a great
difference, if you like mysteries.
I can be sitting on the couch shoving chocolate in my
face, crying over that beautiful day at the beach 7 years ago, and irritable
because there’s a giant zit on my nose, and my daughter will come over…”Mom, do
I have any extra pads at your house?” YOU BITCH. Get your damn syncing hormones
away from me! Then we cry and eat
chocolate together. She has a zit on her chin.
Yes, synced up, just like before. Mine is now more prone
to the staying on the full moon schedule. I’ve written about it before, The
Phantom Bleeder.
I just never pay attention to when it’s coming, until
someone says “Oooo, it’s almost a full moon”. That’s your warning that I’m
about to transform into the Werewolf of Whatthefuckiswrongwithme. Tell me I’m
beautiful and my skin looks great, then take 2 steps back, throw chocolate, and
leave a bottle of wine.
FYI: CHOCOLATE IS GLUTEN FREE. I RESEARCHED IT FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.
So here I am, 10 years later, in my mid 40’s wondering
when I’ll start menopause. When will the hot flashes come? Will my Fibromyalgia
kick in and cool me down? When will the ‘Change of life’ happen? When will the
hormones run out, and am I supposed to refill them like your car oil? When will
my ovaries cough out the last decades old egg, sunny side up? When?
You’d think that there was some high tech testing system
in place by now. Nope. Menopause
happens when you haven’t had your period in a year. Yaaaaaa, thaaaaanks!
Symptoms of
Menopause
Irregular periods
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Trouble Sleeping
Mood Swings
Anxiety
Depression
Irritability
Forgetfulness
Fatigue
Bloating
Allergies
Difficulty concentrating
Libido changes or
Pain during intercourse
Vaginal dryness
Change in hair, skin and nails
Weight change
Headaches and Joint problems
Dizziness
Frequent urination
Changes in breasts; size, shape and tenderness
Decrease of Estrogen levels
Basically it’s Puberty all over again, but backwards.
W.T.A.F.
The only positive way to know is through lack of periods
and a test for decreasing hormone levels.
After age 50, the risks for heart disease, osteoporosis,
and high cholesterol increases.
Here lies Hippies Uterus
It was rode hard
And almost bust
From too many fruit
And now it’s dust
