Thursday, February 8, 2018

I need to break up with my best friend

This relationship just isn't working out.
It's time I cut the toxic cord and let you go.

Who was there for me when I got fired? Cigarettes
Who was there for me when I became disabled? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I’m having a lot of anxiety? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I got dumped? Cigarettes

Who was there for me after getting raped? Cigarettes

Who was there for me after my car broke down? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I had nothing? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I had nothing else to turn to? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was a single mom? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was constantly abandoned? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I went through every difficult moment in life? Cigarettes

Who was there for me after kicking other habits? Cigarettes

Who was there for me during every mental illness battle? Cigarettes

Who was there for me during every physical battle? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I'm fighting everything in life? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when all I could do was cry? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was deciding which way to commit suicide? Cigarettes

Who was there for me during every low time in my life? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I was homeless? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I couldn’t pay my bills? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I woke up in pain every day? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when no one else was? Cigarettes

Who has always been the constant in my life no matter what? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I got sick? Cigarettes

Who was there for me when I got sick, from the cigarettes? ……………..

Why couldn’t I have just put ‘God’ in those answers to begin with?
Is it too late?
Can people fit those answers too?  Will another addiction take its’ place?

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Depression is a narcisstic bitch

This chick needs to fucking go.
All I do is fight fight fight.

I need a break from the chaos in my head that leaked into my real life. I need to get my life on a good track because days like this, it's just meandering on old forgotten overgrown tracks that lead to abandoned stations with no one there to guide you. There's a fire in the engine that drives me, but sometimes there's just no one in control.

     This bitch just comes over whenever she wants and stays much longer that I even care for and it's all about me me me me. A narcissistic bitch is what she is, and Depression is her name. She'll even show up unannounced right in the middle of a good day where everything is going great.
She even brings her friend Anxiety to tag along, just to mix it up and throw wrenches into everything. And lets not leave out PTSD, because that bitch keeps a record of everything.

     Pills, and wine and bud and my smokes. Just a little of everything to numb the pain tonight. Too much here or there and maybe I don't wake up, so let's not do anything rash, after all "It's not a bad life, it's just a bad day." :(

(No seriously, If you are feeling like you literally do not want to live anymore and you are planning an end.... PLEASE call a friend, family, neighbor, social media connection, the hot line, anyone. They even have online chat just so you can have someone to talk to.)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

     I don't usually mix things, since I know it can be dangerous, (stupid really) but I'm feeling particularly lonely tonight, and quite depressed on top of being risky and dangerous. I need to feel a little more numb than I do now because feelings hurt, and coping with them hurts even more. It's just not a good day for me to dig deep and remember my coping strategies.
If I ever down a whole bottle of pills with a whole bottle of wine, I know exactly what I'm doing, but God give me the strength to make a phone call first so I come to my senses. I thought I'd have more people in life, but this bitch pushes everyone away, because it's all about her. It's always all about her....Depression.

Or it's 4 am and you're alone, even if you're married sometimes you feel alone, in bed, in pain and having a miserable time because of

E) All of the above,

and right now I'm just counting down the years until statistically I'll die, counting down the months I cut it by insomnia nights like this, counting down the weeks from when I didn't eat right, and counting down the hours until I have to wake up and wonder WTF is this miserable shit for? What am I doing between now and the inevitable? What is my world, and all the adventures and experiences I'll have between Birth and Death?

What does MY dash represent?  

     Hey at least they have these magic pills that simulate happiness right before numbing everything then making you fall asleep. It's great amiright? Of course you got these doctors that are like "Uh oh, are you addicted?"

Nah man, I love feeling the pain, AND being awake to enjoy it. Double score!!

So sure, you take everything the way you should, and then you're still crying in the middle of the night, because there really isn't anything better to do, and fuck it. I'll just sit here and cry since I literally have no motivation to do anything else.

       I wonder if some Missing People just walked away. Just.......disappeared into the night to start a new life, but ended up in the care of the bridge trolls and the night men.
Maybe it started like some awesome manic fueled Dream Back-Packing Tour and you ended up behind curtain #5.....the girl that will be whoever you want, just not the kind you ever want to love.

Just the kind of girl that makes a mid-grade meh Housewife....excuse me, Homemaker, a part time cook, a warm body, maybe a friend or money tree so someone else can have a life and dreams while you merely exists, not even enjoying things that once made you happy because.....wait, was I ever happy? Did anything I every want and love matter?
What matters is that you get back up the next day and do it again.
And again.
And again!

And you know you're contagious so why bother right? You'll only depress other people. If only happiness was as catching as sadness. Maybe it is and I got this all wrong.

     But in the meantime, I'll lay here and have a lovely lonely evening of feeling as numb and euphoric as the earth will allow until it swallows me back up from hence I was created and that unwanted, unneeded, narcissistic bitch Depression with her purse full of Feel Goods and Pain Numb'ers is really a masquerade of Charlatans, unwelcome in your home and they refuse to give you your hearts desire and only dangle it from an unreachable distance! Such torture!

     She merely sits there in the dark corner, smoking your last cigarette, smirking at your suffering, the only person who knows what your misery is and enables it, and hands you her purse asking which one do you want more of, the pill "Pain and Wishes"...or "The Magical Forgets".

    Only when she snuffs out that cigarette with at least 3 hits left on that bitch, that you snatch the purse and take them all as she throws back her head and cackles evilly ....."They all do the Same! HaHaHa!"

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Screw You Hormones!

Happy Anniversary to No Periods!
But when the Hell is Menopause?!


10 years. It was 10 years ago this month that a very used, very stretched out, tired and cranky uterus was cut from my body, thrown into an incinerator and burnt to a crisp.
Good fucking riddance! In case you’ve never had the pleasure of having blood randomly come out of your body…

Thank God you can't get pregnant by swallowing. I mean, those eggs gotta go somewhere right?

Here are the most common symptoms of Menstruation:

Abdominal Bloating
Abdominal Pain
Sore Breasts
Food Cravings, mostly sweets
Sensitivity to Light or Sound
Changes in sleep pattern
Estrogen levels change
Emotional outbursts
Blood coming out of your vagina

And here are the most common symptoms, after you’ve had a Hysterectomy, but kept your ovaries:

Abdominal Bloating
Abdominal Pain
Sore Breasts
Food Cravings, mostly sweets
Sensitivity to Light or Sound
Changes in sleep pattern
Estrogen levels change
Emotional outbursts
Blood coming out of your vagina


(In case you had your ovaries taken too, don’t forget to take your Hormone Pills unless you feel like going thru Phantom Menopause. Because for anyone that doesn’t know, the #1 sign that you’ve started menopause is the lack of periods. If you kept your ovaries, you get to play the Guessing Game like me.)

Your period can be anywhere from 5-10 days. PMS can start 5-11 days before your period, and ovulation lasts 1-2 days. That’s as low as 11, or as high as 23 days a month that us women have all these damn mental and physical crap problems...literally! Many experts even put that more at the high end of that 23 day range. They say it’s more like 1 week a month we don’t have to deal with it. That beautiful random 7 days a month when we don’t want to smother our husbands in their sleep. Those wonderful days where your kids’ MOOoooooooOOOOOOmmmmmMMMMMM doesn’t sound like nails on a chalkboard, but you lovingly ask “What’s wrong my darlings? Are you guys bored? Would you like mommy to love on you and take you somewhere fun?” And they look at you like you have two heads because the other 23 days a month it’s more like “I swear to God I will take away your sunshine!!”


Oh the loveliness of having to deal with blood coming out from between your legs and you’re peeing more often and you probably have the runs because of all those muscles contracting that triggers your bowels so there is a full on Hazardous Materials Waste Dump going on down there. You walk around like it’s nothing, but literally you’re one damn sneeze away from a quarantine.

I will never understand any man’s desire to have sex with a woman on her period. I bet those are the guys that like real gory movies and the smell of death.

But no periods right?! Woo Hoo!! The days of carrying a full extra pair of clothes around, and wearing extra shirts, and shoving a pair of underwear in your pocket just in case, a sweater to wrap around your waste even in the summer, and the ability to fart without triggering a clean up on aisle 9…….have long passed. I do, however, have to guess now when those days are coming. I just don’t’ bleed, that’s the only difference. Sure, it’s a great difference, if you like mysteries.


I can be sitting on the couch shoving chocolate in my face, crying over that beautiful day at the beach 7 years ago, and irritable because there’s a giant zit on my nose, and my daughter will come over…”Mom, do I have any extra pads at your house?” YOU BITCH. Get your damn syncing hormones away from me! Then we cry and eat chocolate together. She has a zit on her chin.

Yes, synced up, just like before. Mine is now more prone to the staying on the full moon schedule. I’ve written about it before, The Phantom Bleeder.

I just never pay attention to when it’s coming, until someone says “Oooo, it’s almost a full moon”. That’s your warning that I’m about to transform into the Werewolf of Whatthefuckiswrongwithme. Tell me I’m beautiful and my skin looks great, then take 2 steps back, throw chocolate, and leave a bottle of wine.


So here I am, 10 years later, in my mid 40’s wondering when I’ll start menopause. When will the hot flashes come? Will my Fibromyalgia kick in and cool me down? When will the ‘Change of life’ happen? When will the hormones run out, and am I supposed to refill them like your car oil? When will my ovaries cough out the last decades old egg, sunny side up? When?

You’d think that there was some high tech testing system in place by now. Nope. Menopause happens when you haven’t had your period in a year. Yaaaaaa, thaaaaanks!


Symptoms of Menopause

Irregular periods
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Trouble Sleeping
Mood Swings
Difficulty concentrating
Libido changes or
Pain during intercourse
Vaginal dryness
Change in hair, skin and nails
Weight change
Headaches and Joint problems
Frequent urination
Changes in breasts; size, shape and tenderness
Decrease of Estrogen levels
Basically it’s Puberty all over again, but backwards.


The only positive way to know is through lack of periods and a test for decreasing hormone levels.
After age 50, the risks for heart disease, osteoporosis, and high cholesterol increases.

Here lies Hippies Uterus
It was rode hard
And almost bust
From too many fruit
And now it’s dust