Leaving an abuser - Domestic Violence

Leaving An Abuser - Domestic Violence Help

If you made it this far, then you already know what types of abuse there are, and know you need to get out.

       I've been there. I've been in the bowels of darkness, covered in blood, wishing I could just die. I was there, riddled with depression, anxiety and pain. I was there in the days before cool touch screen phones with Google at your fingertips was available. I was there after the Internet was created, but not allowed to be on it. I was there when the sight of me at a borrowed home computer gave the impression that a man was going to suddenly jump out of it and start having sex with me right then and there, because obviously I was online to talk to men. Obviously I was trying to figure out how to get away. (I used computers at work, but apparently that didn't bother him since I was bringing home money).

Random Link Away From This Page --- Funny cat videos https://youtu.be/yCUXErWDGss

He was always aware of my desire to escape. The Mental abuse was more challenging. That is exactly what the psychological warfare was all about. Brainwashing.     

https://psychcentral.com/blog/brainwashing-in-abusive-relationships/

 

Never let on what you're doing. - It's important to not deviate from your routine. Any help you receive, or plans you make has to be something you do quickly while on a shopping errand, groceries, anywhere that you're allowed to be out of his (OR HER) sight.

Always act casual, or whatever his version of normal is. - Acting different, or smug, or like you got something up your sleeve is a dead giveaway. Don't be cocky and think that he doesn't know what you're doing. Don't act overly nice or accommodating either. Just be how you are, and not be anxious or dart your eyes around too much while quietly in deep thought. These are telling signs that you're up to something.

Make copies of all important documents. - Marriage license, birth certificates, social security cards, income verification, Health and Social Services documents, doctor papers, pictures of bruises or injuries, car titles, leases, utility bills, anything that can prove who you are, and where you've been, and have the necessary papers for where you want to go. There are places that will help you get some of things back, but if you can get away with making copies here and there, do it.

Make copies of keys too, garage, storage, locks, house and car.

 

 

Find A Domestic Violence Shelter Near You ---

https://www.domesticshelters.org/search#?page=1

Hide a stash of clothes for you and kids, nickel and dime your way to any extra money you ever get or can get away with. Put it somewhere you know they won't find it but don't assume that they aren't always looking for stuff you may hide. Keep it at work or with a very trusted neighbor, just anywhere that he won't have access to.

Know your way out, where to go, when to call for help, when and how to leave. Practice your escape route if you can, but at a normal pace. Don't expect that it will all happen in 2 minutes, when it will really take 10 because you're being casual about it.

Write down all phone numbers you'll ever need and put them in your hiding spot. Keep track of what you have hidden there, and keep the phone numbers, addresses, websites, emails and any pertinent information about your abuser up to date. Write down his information also, such as date of birth, social security number, detail physical description and the type of abuse too. His work information, mom, dad, cousin, everyone you know that is affiliated with him.... write it down.

 

 

Leaving is the scariest and most dangerous time.

They are anticipating it. It was at these times when I experienced the most pain and destruction and realized the true meaning of "sleeping with the enemy". I would quickly change gears and pretend like nothing was wrong if I got the whiff of him knowing. Even though I was in the midst of abuse, I was alive. BUT I WAS NOT LIVING. I was merely existing. Knowing when to leave, run or literally flee for your life is all about timing.

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!

 

THEY TOO LIVE IN FEAR.....FEAR THAT THEY'LL GET CAUGHT.

THAT GUILTY FEAR IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

THEY WILL DO IT AGAIN!  

Random Link Away From This Page --- https://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/

Plan your escape. The time to go is when they LEAST expect it. They expect it right after hurting you and all the way up until right after the beginning of the Honeymoon Phase when the "I'm Sorry" and Gift-Giving starts again. They'll second guess whether you're accepting of their apology before relaxing and getting comfortable with you being complacent once more. Don't act differently or let on that This Is It. This is the last time.

 

Things will be less tense during now and before it's too long... ''you'll do something, it'll be your fault, look what you made him/her do". You'll know.

 

The Cycle Of Abuse 

http://domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

     Before the cycle starts again is when their guard is down, or if you happen to have all your stuff together somewhere and you're free to run, but it's when they least expect it, do it. When they are confident they've roped you in one more time, so as long as you don't act odd or give warning or nervous and tip them off.... RUN!


     I endured it from someone the size of a doorway and could physically stop me. It's knowing why to go as well, not just when. Believing that its undeserving. You DO NOT deserve this! It can change the way you think about things and cause you to question your judgment and reality.

Their mission is to get in your head and control you.

I feared (and will still at various times due to PTSD) contact, retaliation, physical harm or danger to me or my kids, cyber bullying, stalking, psychological torture such as brainwashing, man this guy was a real winner. The kind of guy that never gets in trouble for anything either.

They can be smooth talkers and make you look crazy, gaslighting you, while telling the cops that you are the real problem and they are just the loving wonderful man that they see before them who is just trying to have a nice family time. This is what they are good at....HIDING A SECRET.

Sadly, some police officers are just not trained enough to recognize these signs.

http://ptsdtreatmenthelp.com/domestic-violence-and-ptsd/

I'm going on more than 8 years DV free while struggling through the stages of Early Survival to Successful Happiness and mentoring. I didn't even know what DV was while I was in the midst of it. I left and got a Restraining Order, although he has never stayed in one place long enough to be found and served. Maybe I should have pressed charges and sent him to jail. Maybe I'm just better off away from it all. Maybe he tried to abuse someone else, and they'll be stronger than I was and send him to prison. Maybe......

If I stay hidden and not talk about it, he wins. And yet the fear is enough to stay anonymous. It's just enough to get as far as I've gotten now, and hopefully you'll be even more successful than me.

I have made many life changes but revealing my name and location isn't one of them.

Random Link Away From This Page --- http://www.tvguide.com/

 

 

I can't promise that the depression, anxiety and pain will completely go away.

But you will be a SURVIVOR of Domestic Abuse,

not a VICTIM.

 

ARE YOU BROKE?

WHEN YOU'RE HAVING MONEY PROBLEMS, ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS FIRST?

1. Do you smoke cigarettes? Are you smoking a pack a day? Between packs of smokes, or cartons, vaping and all its accessories/batteries/parts/nicotine juice or chew, it's all a nicotine habit. It's unneeded. It is not a necessity. No one should give you money for cigarettes. It's a vice. It's YOUR problem, not any one else problem to spend their hard earned money on your addiction.

2. Do you drink alcohol? Is that why you need the money? Is it a habit? Are you addicted? Would someone buying you alcohol be enabling you? It's a vice. It's an addiction, and just as deadly as the last one, if not deadlier, if you happen to drive a car. It's no one else's responsibility to give you money to buy alcohol.


3. Do you partake in drugs? Another habit. Does the drug use prevent you from doing your job? Does it get on the way of managing your home and raising kids? Do you spend money on drugs instead of food? It's a vice. It's a deadly one. One that will make you lie, cheat and steal. One that will have you selling household items for. It will get you in trouble with the law and do nothing but harm to your mind, body and your children. It costs jobs, marriages, families, friendships and lives. Don't ask loved ones to work for your addiction. Get clean.

4. Do you gamble? Do you willingly take money already in your hand and feed it to a machine in the hopes of getting more money? It's a vice. It's greed as well. Why should you get to go out and risk other people's money so you could change a win for more money, that you'll probably put right back in? That's not what you borrow money for. That's not an emergency.


5. Do you buy useless items? Do you shop excessively and buy crap you don't need? Do you purchase things because you like it, or because you honestly need it now? It's a vice. I get it. It was on sale. It was something you thought you needed. It was bright and shiny. It's not anyone else's problem that you have a shopping habit.


6. Do you have hobbies? If so, awesome. Do you spend money on hobbies instead of bills? That makes it your problem, not anyone else's. Unless it's a lucrative hobby that you make money on, you're just throwing away money on fun things instead of paying bills. Must be nice to burn up someone else's hard work so you could play. I guess that other guy can just sit home this weekend since you borrowed his extra cash for your fun since you can't manage your priorities. What a pal.


7. Do you buy soda and junk food? Are you eating poorly, going out to fast foods, or buying easy microwavable meals because buying healthy food that you have to prepare is too hard? That's lazy and damaging to your system. It's a vice. "It's too expensive to eat healthy" is what I hear, as they're in the McDonald's drive-thru plopping down cash for fried processed substances. Go back to the store and get food that has 1 ingredient, like Apple, Broccoli, Carrot, Beans, Rice....I know, it will be weird at first. You'll learn how to eat real food again and be healthier, wealthier, and wise. No joke. Your sick days at work will decrease. Your household will feel better mentally and physically. $20 in the not Fast, not Food lane for 1 meal vs. 1 day+ of food from the store is a fair trade. Enough with the excuses. Some people use coupons and apps to save every penny they can, and can or prep every scrap they can, and cook all meals. They don't do that so you can have McDonald's.

Eat to live, not live to eat. 

8. Do you go to Starbucks? Once in a while is different than every day, which can easily lead to a few hundred a month. If you got money for Starbucks, then don't ask anyone for money.


9. Do you have pets? Pets are wonderful companions. If you have a problem feeding yourself, you probably shouldn't have 15 cats. You should prioritize who deserves food first. It's no one else's responsibility to feed animals that you can't. I don't work so you can feed your hoarding problem.


10. Are your bills not getting paid because you have 9 different things that take precedence? That is no one else's problem but your own. No one else should be figuring out why you can't prioritize. No one else should pay your bills, because you like smoking, drugs and shopping.


YOUR EMPTY POCKETS ARE NO ONE ELSE'S PROBLEM. SUFFER LIKE THE REST.

PRIORITIZE. DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO REFILL YOUR POCKETS SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BAD WITH MONEY.

If you ask for a hand out, make sure you can answer NO to every question, or you're just expecting other people to feed your addictions and to solve your problems for you.

IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM, AND IT'S NOT WORTH LOSING A FRIEND OVER IT, BECAUSE YOU FEEL ENTITLED.

Put your big boy/big girl pants on and figure it out yourself.

No one owes you anything.

One day I'll be off the grid

I have prided myself lately on my ability to not mesh with the rest. I might get caught up in the moment, briefly. I don't take it all too seriously though. I don't like being 'readily available'.

I didn't grow up having anything on demand, let alone whatever show you felt like watching. I remember when we finally got cable. Before that, I remember having 3 channels. You didn't have a choice. When you went to school the next day, everyone was talking about the same show.

You had one telephone. It had a circle on it with holes for numbers, that you turned around, and a cord attached to the wall. If your mom was on the phone, you knew she couldn't catch you in time. If someone called looking for you, they were going to have to find you.

Then came the pager. So that we could summon someone from whatever they were doing so that you could call them. It was a mothers way of saying 'call home'. It soon became the way to buy drugs. Either way, you needed a pay phone.

So after years of technology we have cell phones, computers, Internet, and social networks. I have a Pinterest account, don't hardly use it. I have a Twitter account, can't remember the password. I've signed up for stuff just to check them out, just someone else trying to get my money. I have 2 email accounts, both have close to 10K emails. I have a phone that occasionally rings or beeps. I don't know where it is at the moment.

I don't want to be conveniently available. I'm not into constantly text messaging, emailing, talking on the phone, opening mail, I'm just not.
I've gotten further and further from it too. I used to do it every day, all day.

I have no credit cards. I have been buying everything with cash for the last few years. From furniture to cars to R.V's. I owe no finance charges anywhere. It's all mine. Doesn't mean I'm not broke, but I don't owe anyone.

Guess what that means? I don't get many bills in the mail!

No checking, no ATM cards, no personal credit accounts with Rent to Own, or payday loans, or personal bank loans. None. I do not believe in paying finance charges. I learned. It's cash, or I can't afford it.

All these different ways to contact people and take their money. You can keep it.

People complicate things too much. You want it all, see it all, do it all, so you take a loan out and get a second job and then the kids aren't happy unless you financed them that new Xbox or Ps4. Ten years later you got a lonely wife and spoiled kids. Take them for a walk, find pretty leaves, smell the flowers, make arts and crafts, do some free nature shit for crying out loud.


My friends and support groups are here so it would be hard to give up the Internet. I just hate the idea of logging into 5 different accounts. If it's not all I one place then I'm old and confused, and it's time-restraining. I have better things to do.

Less stress, less bills, less anxiety. No collector phone calls. I learned. Been there, not doing it again. I have vowed to make my life as simple and carefree and stressless as possible, and I'm really working on it. I insist it. I'm getting a little closer every day.

Mom's are not allowed to go to the bathroom 2

     Oh there were lots of times I should have held it. Probably why I pee my pants now when I cough or laugh too hard. Between all those pregnancies and babies kicking my bladder, and having to hold it because I just couldn't take my eyes off the twins, I don't have a 'hold it' option now.

These twins, when they were toddlers, were horrible little diapered giggling trolls that destroyed everything they touched. Everything. It's like giving Chunk from Goonies something, count to ten, yep broken.

So here I am working full-time, going to school online full time at night, and taking care of 3 kids and the house. The oldest being my junior high school teen daughter at the time. (My two teenage boys live with their dad, different dad) It was a 30 hour day packed into 24, and that was with only 5-6 hours of sleep every night. I was always working at a job that I needed to commute, or train or bus, or all three. So needless to say, I was tired A LOT. And Fibro was kicking my ass DAILY back then, AND this is in between surgeries for my Endo. Sheesh. Some of the absolute lowest times in my life and sanity. The medications did NOTHING. Nothing was GOING to help me unless I changed some things or wiped it all off the plate after having a nervous breakdown. You guess.

We lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building for about 1 1/2 yrs. It was sort of half way in the ground, in the building I was in, so the bedroom windows were at ground level. Let me tell you, when there was a 12 foot snow drift ABOVE my window I was scared. I went to bed every night wondering if that was going to come crashing down and bury me. The twins were around two years old. They had already DISMANTLED their crib. Like, you know, I walked in and the mattress was thrown out and two sides were taken off, and they were running around.


Twins- 1 Bed- 0

So forget it, they can have a toddler bed. Um, now how do I keep them in there? I already have three different kinds of deadbolts, THREE on the front door, and they can open them all. It was a constant battle to keep them alive. So I deadbolt their bedroom door. I don't care what you say, I'm not having these babies wake up in the night and leave the house!



I come home from work, put the kids in their room for some play time, and collapse on my bed...just a short nap I tell myself. My daughter can handle it.

About 30 minutes later, while I'm in my famous comasleep I hear this kitten of a sound 'mommy' 'mommy'
"Mommmmmmmy" real quiet like but one of them is calling me in a 'come get me I'm scared' sort of cry.

I get up and go open their door. They're not in there! WTF

I'm freaking out. I start looking all over the apartment and under things. How the hell did I lose the kids in the house? Then I hear it again, real faint..."mommy"
Is that coming from my room? I look out the window and *gasp, my toddler is standing outside.my.window.

I run to the front door, so I can go around back and get him, and I'm greeted by the other one! He's out there running around giggling, running in the parking lot, running from me. Oh ya, this kid was knocking on my door. My two year old, climbed out his bedroom window, ran around the apartment building and knocked on the front door. Wow. There's this lady neighbor yelling at me about calling the cops and CPS and how I'm such a negligent mother for letting my kids play in the street. Seriously? I really wanted to choke her.

These fucking McGuyver's TOOK APART THE TODDLER BED and proceeded to turn the bedframe sideways, and climb up it like a ladder and out the window, which was cracked open so tiny I'm surprised he noticed! The timid sensitive one didn't get far. As usual he followed his brother and then got scared and stayed there calling me.


Twins-2 Bed-0

The cops really came. I showed them ( and so did the twins ) how they can open all the deadbolts, (three different kinds too using chairs, a toy and the broom), take apart their bed, and get into everything that is inhumanly possible. The cops said he never seen anything like it. It was obvious, as a single mother of twin toddler boys, I was doing everything I could to keep these BABIES alive. No CPS, just a laugh and a "keep up the good work". Let me say, it's actually illegal to lock your children in a room, except when you're trying to keep your children alive I guess. Idk but any other kind of lock and I wouldn't have been able to get in and out. I mean, childproof kitchen cabinets with that plastic shit?  LOL I was using Stanley and MasterCraft.

I didn't like it. I really had no choice. I mean these kids didn't have a lamp or dresser by the time they were 2 as well. DESTRUCTIVE.

 It was funny misery I guess. Never a dull moment. So mom's are not allowed to go to the bathroom, or take a nap.


THESE PEOPLE WERE WEARING DIAPERS!!!   LMAO
TERRORISTS IN DIAPERS