Thursday, August 29, 2013

Are you normal?

What is normal? Do you know normal people? Normal people work, have families, go grocery shopping, run errands, clean, cook, help their kids with homework and talk to other normal people right?
I do those things, but I don't feel normal.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, some of the definitions for normal are:
conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development


b : free from mental disorder : sane.
How ironic. To be normal means to have average intelligence and not be crazy. Aren't most crazy people of higher intelligence? I am not sane, neither am I insane. Nor will I conform. So I guess that's my answer. I am not normal. I am better than normal. I'm unique. I'm eccentric. I'm extraordinary.

Definition of abnormal:

: deviating from the normal or average : unusual



Synonyms
 exceptional, exceeding, extraordinaire, extraordinary, phenomenal, rare, singular, uncommon, uncustomary, unique, unusual,

I will take exceptional, rare, unique and strange any day of the week.
I don't have to be normal to do normal things. I am me. I can be whatever I want. It's my life, and I only get one. You do you, and I'll do me.

I don't have to fit in. I don't have to be like you, talk like you, dress, shop, drive, walk like anyone else. That's what makes us so special. None of us are the same, even identical twins. They may have the same DNA, but that's all. They still have different thoughts, personalities, interests, and fingerprints. The fact that they came from the same egg and sperm does not make them the same.

I suddenly feel more empowered. I have always skipped to a different beat, and I think that's why some people have gravitated towards me, and some run. Fine, run away. Go to the other sheep. The ones that want to be near me want to know why I smile, and laugh, and not care about certain things. Because I don't. I don't care whether you like it or not. It's the mental illness that steps in and sometimes takes over with anxiety and self doubt. But that's not 'me', that's my disease.

Anything I do, is my normal. How I dress, talk or act is my normal. If I'm depressed and stay home all day, day after day, that's my normal. If I'm suddenly manic and want to go shopping and clean the house until 3 am, that's my normal. It doesn't mean that everything I do, when I do it is healthy, but it's my normal. It may not be your version of it, but then again, you don't walk in my shoes, and think my thoughts.

The next time someone says something to the effect of you not being or acting normal, you just tell them:

"Hell no, I'm fucking phenomenal."

Monday, August 26, 2013

Guest blog for Screw Depression

I've been blogging for almost 6 months now, and it seems so natural. I can't figure out why I didn't start this earlier. Oh yeah, my mom read my diary, and I was terrified anyone would know my inner most thoughts and feelings. Which all in of itself is ironic, since I had always planned on writing about just that.

I became disabled a few years back when, after a nervous breakdown, and complete loss of thinking capabilities led me to further destroy everything around me, that hadn't been destroyed already.

My Fibro got worse. My Endo required surgeries. I was getting garnished way to much money at work from my first ex husband (the one who has 50/50 custody of my older boys, that he won't let me see, because he is still obsessed with punishing me for leaving him.) All the stress was causing me to fail school, which I had started, again, in hopes of getting out of the rut of being a single mom and barely getting by.

After 18 months of being successful, and then failing (as I see it) I went back to him. The Abuser. The second ex-husband. I spent 10 years in a marriage where I wore the pants in the family, and he couldn't say boo unless I told him to. That's not my idea of a marriage. Some women like control. Some women don't like raising a husband.
So the next guy was the complete opposite. His evil slowly came out after I got pregnant (quickly).
It got even worse after I married him. That didn't last long, thank goodness.

There are so many painful memories from my childhood. I know for a fact that there are a lot of good ones too, but I can't remember too many of those. Those are the ones that fade away. The evil that was done, is what creeps up on me when I lay down, when I see something that reminds me of my past, when I hear something, and even when I smell something. There is that 'smack in the face' flashback that keeps ripping, little by little, the last fragment of hope and happiness that you carry around.


I'm on the road to recovery. It's a slow, painful process, but it's still a forward process. I have Bipolar 2 rapid cycling. That means I can change moods quickly, and without warning, and I am a prisoner to it. A prisoner. I'm a prisoner in my own body and am always arguing with the warden. Sometimes I get put in the hole. Sometimes I'm let out in general public, with a warning.

It's frustrating, having other moods, an almost unknown entity, make your decisions, carry out plans, and talk to people when it doesn't even feel like 'you'. The real you stays at home, cries, is miserable, depressed, bored, lonely, battling so much in your head. The other 'you' is the one that goes out in public, talks to people, goes grocery shopping, runs errands, pays bills, goes to meetings at the kid's school, talks to acquaintances, and acts 'normal'. When shit hits the fan, the real you comes out and no one recognizes. Now you seem different and fake. If they only knew you were out of your comfort zone and a stronger version of you stepped in until you can go back home and fall apart. It's so much work.

Anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, mania, chronic pain, surgeries, relationships, bills,..it all seems to come crashing down on me at once. I have to fight to dig thru each one, one at a time before more comes down. PTSD, the wonderful life of having flashbacks, not just memories, but full on visual and mental experiences, like you're right there. Someone may raise their hand to give you a high five, and you're ducking because you think you're going to get hit. People don't like that, now you're weird, and omg how could you think I was going to hit you? calm down jeez. If I had control of my memories, I would have done wiped out the bad ones long ago.

No, I don't like the bad thoughts, and I try to re-group and focus on the now as soon as I can. I don't go around telling people everything that's wrong with me, but I am opening up a lot more now. People are interested, they ask questions, they're curious. Hmm, you don't seem super crazy, maybe you're a cool person after all. Educate. De-stigma.

Have you ever had an open conversation with someone who came right out and said, 'I am bipolar. I am OCD, I'm on anti-psychotic medication and there is nothing I can do about it for the rest of my life'? Probably not. But that cool chick you were talking to at the park, the lady in front of you at the register, the kid's mom next to you at the school parking lot, the guy playing ball with his kids, the teenager who dresses wierd, the neighbor you sometimes wave to? I bet they have some mental issues, and you'd never know.

So the next time you see someone who seems a little strange, give them a smile, say hi, you might just brighten up their whole week, because you noticed them. You acknowledged their presense.

Friday, June 28, 2013

One day I'll be off the grid

I have prided myself lately on my ability to not mesh with the rest. I might get caught up in the moment, briefly. I don't take it all too seriously though. I don't like being 'readily available'.

I didn't grow up having anything on demand, let alone whatever show you felt like watching. I remember when we finally got cable. Before that, I remember having 3 channels. You didn't have a choice. When you went to school the next day, everyone was talking about the same show.

You had one telephone. It had a circle on it with holes for numbers, that you turned around, and a cord attached to the wall. If your mom was on the phone, you knew she couldn't catch you in time. If someone called looking for you, they were going to have to find you.

Then came the pager. So that we could summon someone from whatever they were doing so that you could call them. It was a mothers way of saying 'call home'. It soon became the way to buy drugs. Either way, you needed a pay phone.

So after years of technology we have cell phones, computers, Internet, and social networks. I have a Pinterest account, don't hardly use it. I have a Twitter account, can't remember the password. I've signed up for stuff just to check them out, just someone else trying to get my money. I have 2 email accounts, both have close to 10K emails. I have a phone that occasionally rings or beeps. I don't know where it is at the moment.

I don't want to be conveniently available. I'm not into constantly text messaging, emailing, talking on the phone, opening mail, I'm just not.
I've gotten further and further from it too. I used to do it every day, all day.

I have no credit cards. I have been buying everything with cash for the last few years. From furniture to cars to R.V's. I owe no finance charges anywhere. It's all mine. Doesn't mean I'm not broke, but I don't owe anyone.

Guess what that means? I don't get many bills in the mail!

No checking, no ATM cards, no personal credit accounts with Rent to Own, or payday loans, or personal bank loans. None. I do not believe in paying finance charges. I learned. It's cash, or I can't afford it.

All these different ways to contact people and take their money. You can keep it.

People complicate things too much. You want it all, see it all, do it all, so you take a loan out and get a second job and then the kids aren't happy unless you financed them that new Xbox or Ps4. Ten years later you got a lonely wife and spoiled kids. Take them for a walk, find pretty leaves, smell the flowers, make arts and crafts, do some free nature shit for crying out loud.


My friends and support groups are here so it would be hard to give up the Internet. I just hate the idea of logging into 5 different accounts. If it's not all I one place then I'm old and confused, and it's time-restraining. I have better things to do.

Less stress, less bills, less anxiety. No collector phone calls. I learned. Been there, not doing it again. I have vowed to make my life as simple and carefree and stressless as possible, and I'm really working on it. I insist it. I'm getting a little closer every day.



Sunday, March 10, 2013

The day my 2 year old drove my car

Don't worry, he didn't get very far. Seriously, they don't make carseats that can actually contain the child. I don't just mean keep them safe in case of a wreck, I mean strap them down, like the papoose at the emergency room. IMMOBILE. That works for me.

The days of carseats. Any mother will tell you the glorious day when their kids grow out out bottles, diapers, contraptions and car seats. It's like a right of passage. A diploma handed out after the last stage bottle, the last stage diaper/pull-up, the last booster seat you will ever buy. My oldest is now 18 and in college and loves art/drama/reading/writing, so who knows. She also likes science/philosophy/socialogy/phsycology. She is doing great in school. So if she needs baby stuff any time soon I'm going to kick her ass. I'm not ready to be a grandma. I got my diploma and I want to savor that for a while. Still got that booster seat one to go.

The twins are almost 7 and by law it's over 8 years old, AND over 4'9" before they don't need booster or car seats. I guess they threw the whole weight limit out the window when these McDonalds' generation babies start weighing 50 pounds at 2, and the parents are like,
"Well the're heavier than the law says. They don't need no car seat. Let's go get a burger."
Do they have booster seats that fit 5' tall people? You know, my boys' feet almost touch the floor. I know some really short 7th graders, and I'll be damned if you think those kids are getting in a car seat.
How cute. He has someone to help him get in his wittle car seat.

For the last 6 years these law people keep changing things. First it was 4 and/or 40 pounds, then 6 and/or 60 pounds.
I'm like "Dude these twins are never going to get out of the carseats." And I don't care how far the law changes. I'm NOT getting in one.

And here is the magic.

So after my day of work and drive home, I pull into my apartments on the side of a steep hill overlooking the Columbia River seperating Oregon and Washington. Luckily I had an awesome sitter and she lived the next building over.

I pulled up to her place, left the car running,  and go up her stairs to get the boys. We all walk down and her and I are gabbing so I put them in the car. I strap them down and check each 5 point harness and really tighten it up, as always. I walk around the passenger side of the car to talk to the baby sitter still standing outside.
I open the passenger car door, throw my purse and diaper bag in the car in the front seat and turn around to talk to her some more.

I am being very detailed in this because it happened that fast.

I may have had my back turned to the car for 30 seconds, and that people is all it takes.

I turned around, and there was my son, sitting in the driver seat, hand on shifter, LOOKING AT ME, and there it went.


He pulled it down, and I DOVE HEAD FIRST INTO THE CAR and slammed my hands down on the brake pad as hard as I could put my weight on it.

I had to take one hand off, put the car in park and turn it off!!!

He was laughing and giggling and unaware that 150 feet away was a metal dumpster and some other apartment buildings. A 2 year old almost drove my car into a house. He would had died from going right through the windshield and his 2 year old twin brother would have watched it.

If I had not opened the door, I would not have been able to DIVE in and land on the brakes. I never would have gotten the door open in time.

I NEVER ever left the car running after that.

We were shocked. I couldn't believe the swiftness of this escape. It was my mission to ensure lockdown at all times. He always won. I couldn't duct tape this kid down if I tried. Like I said MasterCraft. And unfortuneatly they don't make carseats.





Friday, March 8, 2013

Endometriosis is for girls

Endometriosis is non-cancerous little tumors and sores that grow on the inside of your uterus. Sometimes referred to as lesions or adhesion. It hurts, as in hurt like being punched in the baby maker and in serious pain and you want to cry like a little girl for your mommy to make it go away. It turns you into that girl from the movie "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka". This dude was going to hurt her and she turns around with her face all distorted and screams I GOT CRAMPS and his friend comes running cuz he heard someone scream like a girl.

Your periods are more painful, more bleeding, cramping, in the fetal position, way more than your normal shitty period. This will put you down for a few days. My daughter has been suffering with it for a few years now and thanks me for it every month. I'm like, uh thank all the woman before me too because there is Fibromyalgia, lots of allergies, Rheumatoid Arthritis: its all Auto-Immune problems, maternally inherited....One day we might have lupus or something else, who knows.

So I clearly noticed something was very wrong when the twins were about 6 months old and one crawled across my stomach and it felt like it was pregnant! And it hurt like I was. I had three kids already so I know what it feels like when you get jumped on by a toddler right on your precious pregnant belly! I felt it and pushed on it, and oh ya it felt like I was about 2-3 months but I knew I wasn't because I had a C section and had my tubes tied. This was not good.

This is what happened over the next 2 years! Mind you during this whole time I have infant to toddler twins.

 I work full time and come home to an abusive man half that year, the other year and a half was more peace and hard work, including two surgeries, lost two jobs and my dad died. What a fucking year!

I go to the doctor, same OB who delivered them. At this hospital the staples were taken out at 36 hours and we were all sent home at 42 hours. Yes, I had an emergency C-section with twins and we were not even there 48 hours. (AND the nurse laughed when I was scared about her taking out the staples, and said "Ha Ha, what, are you afraid your stomach is going to fall out?, uh YAH!)  And when I cough/sneezed the day after getting out, and bloody water gushed out of my sliced open stomach, I wanted to take my clothes to the hospital and rub it in that nurses face and say "Oh yah, then whats this bitch, not from my stomach huh?"


ANYWAY, he examines and yes I definitely need an ultrasound to see whats going on. If he wasn't the actual doctor that tied my tubes he would have thought I was pregnant. He felt around up there like he was looking for his watch or something and doing that push down on your lower abdomen thing. I almost pushed his nuts up his groin with my foot. My periods were horrible and there was way too much pain involved. He said that he would start me on some hormone treatment and probably have one within 6 months. Huh?
Not to mention that this stuff is rarely seen on an ultrasound.

Unfortunately we moved out of state. For every other reason than my health it was time to move. For that exact reason I should have stayed. Once we moved, it took forever to get insurance, find a doctor, get my records sent over and have a few exams. This is already a few months. I'm getting worse. This new doctor puts me on birth control. Birth control. I have had 5 kids and my tubes tied, the last thing I need is birth control, considering that they mess with my hormones anyway. I am trying to tell the doctor this. It's falling on deaf ears.

Over the next few months, again more ultrasounds, more exams, more tests, more follow-ups to the follow up. Finally! A referral to a surgeon. I go see him and he does his whole poking around thing and looks at this and that and says ok, lets schedule this.

One of the happiest moments in my life. Someone finally listened to me after complaining about this for over a year. Getting surgery is pretty serious too.


The surgery goes well and I wake up in the recovery area for Birthing/New Mothers. It was an OB who did it, so I recovered on his turf. It was weird being the only one there without a baby. I thought of babies I had lost, and then I thought of woman who have lost theirs in childbirth. How sad and lonely to be the only woman in the baby section without a baby. The nurses liked me. I was easy to deal with. In fact, I got to spend most of my recovery hanging out in the nurses station holding the newborns. My babymaker was dead and buried so I was going to hold, and give back other newborns.

As it turned out, the Endometriosis had spread extensively and became Adenomiosis, which means same thing but on the outside of the uterus. I didn't realize at the time what that would implicate. Later I would learn that means that it still continues to grow inside your body. Fast forward 6 months later and I had to have a ping pong sized Endo tumor removed from inside my muscle wall of my abdomen, which ripped apart my muscle when it burst, at 2 AM. I thought my intestines burst or something. It was hot and painful and had
this spreading sensation. I thought I was in serious trouble.

The surgery for that was pretty easy. I was only there a few hours actually. It's amazing the technology today. Cut open your gut and your home for dinner. It was painful until then though. This constant knot in my muscle wall. It was just 'there'. Make it go away. It would grow and shrink through out the month and I hated it.

This is the short version of the Endo story. Diagnosed. Hysterectomy. Tumors redevelop. Surgery. My lower back and lower abdomen hurt. It still feels like there are baby tumors growing. All the cutting open from the C-section, hysterectomy, tumor removal happened in 2 1/2 years. The last 2 were 6 months apart. I lost a lot of weight. Let me tell you surgery wipes you out for a long time. I just suffer now. Endo grows on scar tissue so I think there is enough of that down there for now.

It should be the same diet for a cancer paitent. Nothing to help it grow. I try to watch what I eat (too much coffee, sugar, chocolate, red meat makes it worse) before I put it in my mouth. It's hard. There is a different diet for every ailment. But there is no cure. Some woman get better after birth control pills, pregnancy, and in the extreme cases yes, a hysterectomy. But I come from Murphys' Law which states that it will go wrong for me. So even after that, still a tumor, and after that I still have it.

And the whole time I'M SINGLE MOM WITH TWINS. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF.

Endo sucks, it really does. It's for girls!






Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Mom's are not allowed to go to the bathroom 2

     Oh there were lots of times I should have held it. Probably why I pee my pants now when I cough or laugh too hard. Between all those pregnancies and babies kicking my bladder, and having to hold it because I just couldn't take my eyes off the twins, I don't have a 'hold it' option now.

These twins, when they were toddlers, were horrible little diapered giggling trolls that destroyed everything they touched. Everything. It's like giving Chunk from Goonies something, count to ten, yep broken.

So here I am working full-time, going to school online full time at night, and taking care of 3 kids and the house. The oldest being my junior high school teen daughter at the time. (My two teenage boys live with their dad, different dad) It was a 30 hour day packed into 24, and that was with only 5-6 hours of sleep every night. I was always working at a job that I needed to commute, or train or bus, or all three. So needless to say, I was tired A LOT. And Fibro was kicking my ass DAILY back then, AND this is in between surgeries for my Endo. Sheesh. Some of the absolute lowest times in my life and sanity. The medications did NOTHING. Nothing was GOING to help me unless I changed some things or wiped it all off the plate after having a nervous breakdown. You guess.

We lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building for about 1 1/2 yrs. It was sort of half way in the ground, in the building I was in, so the bedroom windows were at ground level. Let me tell you, when there was a 12 foot snow drift ABOVE my window I was scared. I went to bed every night wondering if that was going to come crashing down and bury me. The twins were around two years old. They had already DISMANTLED their crib. Like, you know, I walked in and the mattress was thrown out and two sides were taken off, and they were running around.


Twins- 1 Bed- 0

So forget it, they can have a toddler bed. Um, now how do I keep them in there? I already have three different kinds of deadbolts, THREE on the front door, and they can open them all. It was a constant battle to keep them alive. So I deadbolt their bedroom door. I don't care what you say, I'm not having these babies wake up in the night and leave the house!


I come home from work, put the kids in their room for some play time, and collapse on my bed...just a short nap I tell myself. My daughter can handle it.

About 30 minutes later, while I'm in my famous comasleep I hear this kitten of a sound 'mommy' 'mommy'
"Mommmmmmmy" real quiet like but one of them is calling me in a 'come get me I'm scared' sort of cry.

I get up and go open their door. They're not in there! WTF

I'm freaking out. I start looking all over the apartment and under things. How the hell did I lose the kids in the house? Then I hear it again, real faint..."mommy"
Is that coming from my room? I look out the window and *gasp, my toddler is standing outside.my.window.

I run to the front door, so I can go around back and get him, and I'm greeted by the other one! He's out there running around giggling, running in the parking lot, running from me. Oh ya, this kid was knocking on my door. My two year old, climbed out his bedroom window, ran around the apartment building and knocked on the front door. Wow. There's this lady neighbor yelling at me about calling the cops and CPS and how I'm such a negligent mother for letting my kids play in the street. Seriously? I really wanted to choke her.

These fucking McGuyver's TOOK APART THE TODDLER BED and proceeded to turn the bedframe sideways, and climb up it like a ladder and out the window, which was cracked open so tiny I'm surprised he noticed! The timid sensitive one didn't get far. As usual he followed his brother and then got scared and stayed there calling me.


Twins-2 Bed-0

The cops really came. I showed them ( and so did the twins ) how they can open all the deadbolts, (three different kinds too using chairs, a toy and the broom), take apart their bed, and get into everything that is inhumanly possible. The cops said he never seen anything like it. It was obvious, as a single mother of twin toddler boys, I was doing everything I could to keep these BABIES alive. No CPS, just a laugh and a "keep up the good work". Let me say, it's actually illegal to lock your children in a room, except when you're trying to keep your children alive I guess. Idk but any other kind of lock and I wouldn't have been able to get in and out. I mean, childproof kitchen cabinets with that plastic shit?  LOL I was using Stanley and MasterCraft.

I didn't like it. I really had no choice. I mean these kids didn't have a lamp or dresser by the time they were 2 as well. DESTRUCTIVE.

 It was funny misery I guess. Never a dull moment. So mom's are not allowed to go to the bathroom, or take a nap.


THESE PEOPLE WERE WEARING DIAPERS!!!   LMAO
TERRORISTS IN DIAPERS




Thursday, February 28, 2013

I'm a stocker

or am I really just an organized hoarder?

Hoarding or Stocking


          Hoarders are people who have a need to hang on to things because those things provide comfort. It is a form of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) which is associated with bad memories, trust, emotional pain, grief, abandonment or loss, etc. Each of these can trigger hoarding, and before you realize what's happening, you've bought so much stuff that you now have a plethora of piƱatas.

         Stuff doesn't leave you. Stuff doesn't make you cry. Stuff doesn't yell at you. Stuff doesn't call you names. Stuff doesn't die. Stuff makes you happy. Stuff fills the void. Stuff is fun. Stuff is a security blanket. Stuff is the wall that pain can't get through.
 
'Stuff' is the wall that traps the pain in.       

       Many hoarders do have a common trait in the desire for donating. They collect, with the intention of giving and helping others, but will still experience anxiety having to part with it. The money spent, on top of the room it takes up, may not be worth storing it at all and could eventually become a headache. Money can be spent on better types of supplies and prepping that doesn't involve saving trash or leaving valuables to rot from weather and exposure. Spend wisely! 
   
Become homeless and watch how fast you're not a hoarder any more.
 
 

Preppers and Homesteaders used to be called 'everybody' not too long ago.
https://homesteading.com/homestead-definition/
http://preppers.org/


You should go through everything you own at least once a year. Do I need it? Is it worth the price and space it requires? Is it valuable?
Have I used it in the last 6 months? Well, if I knew where it was I would have! Ha!


Stocking Up, aka Prepping


        I'm a 'stocker', or Prepper, which is a person who stocks up on supplies such as food, basic first aid, medicine, water and ways to purify water, personal hygiene, survival items and common essentials needed in case of emergency, or the next election. ;)
The type that real Preppers would say is an inspiring noob to mid level but definitely knowledgable and headed in the right direction.
I also need to step up the amount of food storage and learn much more survival information, including every type of edible plant indigenous to my home.

To a non-prepper, we all look paranoid. But that doesn't mean that something bad won't happen. It just means that we'll be more ready and prepared for an emergency.

         Let me ask you the following... Do you have copies of your home's deed or lease, car titles, birth certificates, shot records, marriage license, photos, emergency cash and any and all important paperwork and valuables in a waterproof, fireproof safe? How about a portable one in case you need to leave home? Do you keep emergency bags in each vehicle, and a very detailed one at home by the ready, with everything in it needed to survive in case all you had in life was that damn backpack?!



If you're a single mom, check out this site http://thesurvivalmom.com/

25 Must have foods to stock up on. And if you only have these 2, you're on a good start > BEANS AND RICE
http://www.offthegridnews.com/extreme-survival/25-must-have-foods-for-an-emergency-stockpile/



What's a Bug Out Bag, and what should I put in it?
 
 
 

Don't forget to include all members of your family in this. Everyone in the household should know where the supplies are, what to do and where to go in case of emergency, where to meet up in case you are separated, who is responsible for what, and how much skills and supplies each person possesses. Make a plan!
 

Get your kids involved and teach them, on top of learning as a family.
http://www.survivopedia.com/teaching-children-survival/


Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you go online shopping and spend too much money and become addicted to Prepping.

Friday, February 22, 2013

The Phantom Bleeder

          I had a hysterectomy a few years back for Endometriosis but opted to keep my run-down ovaries, that is if they looked ok when the doc went in. They weren't too bad so that's all that's left of my womanhood down there, other than my boobs, I mean I'm still a girl ok, even if everything is a little run down or lower that it used to be.

          So this phantom bleeder that I've mentioned, it sucks. My daughter is on her period, her friends probably are, both of our dogs are in heat. Damn bleeding bitches. I feel everything still, just a little less than before.

     It only makes me want to choke a little less of the people that cross my path so that's good for them too. My lower back still hurts and I still feel cramping but that's just the Endo that got left behind that flares up with any surge of hormones. (Seriously, so much got left behind, they have to keep going in and cutting it out, and yet Endo grows on scar tissue, so it's this wonderful merry go round.) I still get emotional, irritable...all the same stuff that happens on a period, only I don't bleed. I also have no way of knowing when it's coming. There's no PMS. There's no warning. One day I'm Mary Poppins, the next....Medusa. I made cookies for the kids one time, and ate most of them the next day. It came on that fast. At this point, I'm looking forward to menopause, because I don't know how long I can handle menobroken-record.

Between that, the Fibro and arthritis I creak and hobble around. It looks like I'm trying to do the "Thriller" video dance down the hallway.


     So I'm "phantom bleeding" right now and I just wish I only had to do this every 6 months like the dogs. My daughter put a doggie diaper on her little one, it's her first heat. It was cute. You just have to take it off or change it every time you take them out to use the restroom.

A diaper you have to take off so you can pee. Fascinating. I had toddlers that did that without asking, bless their pissing little heart.

So Phresh Comfort Dry Disposable Dog Diapers, Count of 12 | Petco

I got one for my dog and it would be fit for a small pony. But then I probably would forget to take it off so she could go outside and then freak out cuz she can't get the poop out and run around trying to figure out what to do, with crap hanging out as she's dragging her ass on the ground trying to get that contraption off of her. It was way more of a mess than anticipated. Then the dog got a hysterectomy. She's just mad she can't have chocolate. 

My phantom period has all the trademarks, moody, emotional, irritable, hungry, need chocolate, in pain, muscle cramps, crying during commercials. I had a hysterectomy 10 freaking years ago, and the lack of bleeding is literally the only difference. And now I get to be anemic. I wish there was some type of expiration date on these things that actually made sense. Like, one day you push out a kid, and your whole uterus just pops out too. "Oh you have a girl, and you graduated periods! Congratulations!!"

Being on the rag though, ugh....
I'm pretty sure that's how it got the name "the rag". A long time ago, the first bleeder could only think of one thing, stick a towel up that freaking faucet. I'm so glad I didn't have to clean out bloody wash clothes over and over. I don't remember seeing too many stories about that in Little House on the Prarie..."Oh no Laura, it's that time of month? Do you happen to have any spare rags in your outhouse?"

Sure Betty, they're next to the corn cobs. We got Pa's old hankies and Ma's dish towels, depending on your flow.

What Women Used Before the Discovery of Menstrual Products – Anigan

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Moms are not allowed to go to the bathroom

Back a few years ago when I was a single mom to the terrible two twos, it got quite exciting to say the least. I did everything, and they did it all with me. Grocery store? You gotta bring both babies so now there's no room for any food. Can't let one walk cuz the other will go ballistic. Twins have to have the same thing, always. And always competing for me.

The only chance I have to do anything is that 30 minutes I had between getting home from work, bus and train, and the time I get the kids from daycare. The precious 30 minutes to get a lot done. You would be surprised how much you can do in that amount of time when you have to. I'm running people over in the stores, "Outa my way sister, I'm on a mission."


So I'm in this downstairs apartment with a tiny porch. Everyone on the 2nd and 3rd floor have a nice black railing on their balcony, how come I don't? No one on the 1st floor does. I mean as soon as I open the sliding glass door my (then 2 year old twin boys) go darting outside like a bull being ridden or a bird out its cage. Run free! Run fast as far as you can. That was my exercise everyday, chasing toddlers.
I'm jealous of the porches, so I run to the hardware store in that 30 minutes and get some supplies. (Same 30 minutes I used to go grocery shopping, pay bills, rent movies...etc. I was boss) I had measured everything out and was just getting some basic stuff.

The first day my friend helped me put up some 8 x 4 foot premade, spikey top (you know for 3' tall terrorists) fences and posts and cut them and it all looked good. Now the rules are that if you do that, you have to have it black, either painting it or by instead installing railings. Well after the whole weekend of being home and enjoying the whole patio thing, I decided that I needed to get it painted before too long as I'm sure there will be a complaint from 'that' neighbor who doesn't like anything you do.

On Sunday afternoon I take the wee little ones and my teenage daughter who helps when she can, back to the hardware store to buy paint. I like these carts better. They expect you to buy big things, so they're bigger and that means the kids can really sprawl out in it.

I buy black outdoor paint for the fence. Everything is going good. I drop my daughter off at a friends' house but she'll be home in about an hour. I take everything and everyone inside and by this time I am doing the pee pee dance. I set the closed pounded down can of paint on the kitchen counter and go to the bathroom........

Exactly 12.45 seconds later I come out of my room and for the first nanosecond my brain said "Oh wow,  look at the cute tiny footpr..." Mortified. O.M.G.
I didn't walk, I cringed down the hallway, and all I could hear was the 2 year old laughter of evil. Giggling and running around and making footprints of black paint all over my carpet.

This. (breath) Can't. (breath) Be. Happening (cant breath) OMG.

I pick him up and immediately want to get the toxic paint off my son even though what I WANT to do is pick him upside down and paint the fence with his long skater toddler hair. "Oh yeah, you want to play with the paint? How's that huh? You like that?" I quickly snap out of it and look at the evil twin grin and know; you are my child.

I clean the paint off him, and barely a little off the other twin who is always scared to do anything, brats. I'm freaking out. I just moved into this apartment, seriously? All I'm seeing is dollar signs. As I'm trying to clean, my daughter is there trying to help and call carpet cleaners.

I'm sorry, did I mention that it was 9pm on a Sunday night? Yay! Well after I ruined it by getting it wet trying to clean it up, which you should never get paint wet and try and clean it by yourself. The end result was I paid $200 for a brown stain on my carpet. It wasn't the last brown stain they made.

I just needed to pee, you little brats!

Monday, February 18, 2013

The Beautiful Places To Travel


Our Beautiful Country and all it's Wonders


        When it's sunny and warm out, I am reminded of all the wonderful things I've seen and places I've visited throughout my adventures across the country. The way the wind blows, and the sounds outside at night sometimes make me think of each pit stop in life. I yearn to travel more and teach my kids about the majestic wonders of the Earth. These are some of the more memorable places I've visited:


    San Francisco, CA:

Golden Gate Bridge, Golden Gate Park, Coit Tower, Crookedest Street in the World (Lombard), the Trolleys, Wax Museum, Ghirardelli Square, Candlestick Park (It will always be that to me), Ripley's Believe it our Not Museum, Pier 39, Fisherman's Wharf. The City is full of wonderful places to see. There's the prison Alcatraz on one island, and even a real life Treasure Island!




    Nashville, TN:

Graceland, Grand 'Ol Opry, I don't remember anything else other than I sat on my dad's shoulders to watch Jimmy Carter drive down the street in some kind of parade. Not far from there is Chattanooga where you can go to the top of See Rock City, the only place in the U.S. you can see 7 states at once.




South Bend, Indiana:

Notre Dame was an incredible sight! I was too young to appreciate much else, but I would can't wait to go back and visit and be able to share it with my children, like it was shared with me.


   Chicago, Illinois

Museum of Science and Industry (way cool!), Sears Tower (it takes the special elevator 60 seconds to go 110 stories) Gurnee Mills, Wrigley Field, some places they filmed "Blues Brothers" and "Ferris Buellers Day Off" :D. I almost got ran over by a presidential brigade. Out of nowhere here comes more Cops and Limos I've ever seen coming down Upper Wacker. Almost knocked me into Lower Wacker.




  Reno, and Las Vegas Nevada:

Casinos! Reno has some pretty fun places like Circus Circus! but there's much more to see in Las Vegas, Pirate Ships, The Eiffel Tower, a Pyramid, The Sphinx, and a mesmerizing display of water ballet await you, along with the behemoth engineering of Hoover Dam, Carson City, Lake Tahoe, Virginia City in it's Wild West flashback. It's a desert, so for me there's not much else to see unless you're really into sand :D




Atlanta, Georgia

Underground Atlanta, Kennesaw Mountain (canons that have never moved since the Civil War), Stone Mountain (A.MA.ZING), a pickup truck with a gun rack and a Confederate Flag (I saw a LOT), where they filmed Deliverance, any coffee cup you want starting with Mary xxxx (i.e. Mary Jane, Mary Jo, Mary Sue, Mary Ann, Mary Beth, Mary Ellen....) Kudzu is a vine type plant that grows very rapidly and can completely engulf a house and entire forest!





Phoenix, Arizona

The Grand Canyon, other than that there ain't much to see! Haha It's too flippin HOT! They have a pretty incredible Botanical Gardens that are filled with more cactus than you ever thought existed. Butterflies are very popular there. North of the city is Sedona and near that is Montezuma's Castle. Do you think it's a real castle?


  Northern and Southern Oregon

Mt. Hood (which you can ski on 11 months a year), Klamath Falls, The Oregon Caves, Columbia River, lots of good rafting, The Goonies House, more Redwood trees. Hood River is the wind surfing capital of the world I hear, and these dare-devils are flying pretty high up! Grants Pass, and the trendy college towns are fun for all. Don't forget to check out the Out 'N About Tree Houses near the caves!
http://treehouses.com/joomla/




Seattle, Washington:

Space Needle, The Upper Cascades, Fish Markets on the Puget Sound, The Ice Caves in the SW part of the state (You are in shorts, sweating. The people 15 feet below you, looking at you, are in snow gear, freezing. Super cool), an exact replica of Stone Henge, (A.MA.ZING) BTW, it sure does seem like a calendar to me. It's very cool sitting there atop Sam Hill.




Washington D.C.

The Smithsonian Institute(s), and boy are there a lot of them, The White House, The Mall, as it's called, with the Lincoln Memorial and the Reflection Pool along with the Washington Monument, are just incredible. It's pretty humid there in August, heads up!


Many more random places I've visited or are on my Bucket List...

Zion National Park, Utah
Yellowstone, Wyoming
Estes Park, Colorado
Roswell, New Mexico
Texas and the Gulf of Mexico


And all the rest of California. I love this state and have been up and down the West Coast in awe of all it's beauty!

Jack London Park, Napa vineyards, Sears Point Raceway, The Nut Tree, The Jelly Belly Factory, Monterey Bay Aquarium, Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, I've been to at least a half dozen Six Flaggs and two or more are in CA, Isleton Crawdad Festival, Yosemite, Sea Port Village, Padre Stadium, Bodega Bay, La Jolla, Disney Land, Sea World, San Diego Zoo, Balboa Park, Wild Animal Park, Sequoia Trees (HUGE)..etc lol


I've traveled by car, truck, RV, bus, train, and plane. My favorite was the train. I've spent a total of 12 days on many different Amtrak trains all over the country. Some are even narrated with the local history of the surroundings, and even more places no one else sees.


This post could go on forever, but I'll try and stop it here. This is beautiful land we got here. There is so much to see and do.

Stop working so much. Live simpler.
 
Have experiences and memories, not 'things', because things don't last. The memories may fade along with the pictures over time, but both can be preserved and documented and cherished much longer than that new piece of furniture you bought.
 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day

So this is the day where we give flowers and chocolates. I'm over it. I'm glad my BF is glad that I'm over it. Seven years ago today I was sitting in a restaurant 6 months pregnant with twins and the monster got mad at me for some reason and threw his plate of food down, splattering it everywhere. Then he yelled at me, got up and walked out. I was sooooo embarrassed. Wtf could I have said or done to deserve that? Nothing, I did nothing to deserve it, that's what!! I didn't know what to do. I just sat there and took a few bites, brushed the food off, LEFT THE MONEY, and walked out, or should I say waddled.

Everyone was looking. the monster is 6'7" 300 lbs. Everyone always agrees with him, who wouldn't want to. I could see their eyes "she must have done something to deserve it, why would you set him off, its valentines day, what a bitch, she got what she had coming. I read their thoughts straight out of their pupils. the window to your mind. God you people are so easy to read. Yes that's it, put your head down in shame because you don't want to get involved, just stay out of it, right? Let me tell you, I sure as shit don't need you in my village.

While I was cleaning this off my belly, I got dirty looks for ruining everyone's dinner by making him mad. It was all my fault. Yep, I made him do it.


So when my BF suggested Chinese buffet for dinner tonight, I had serious PTSD flashbacks of pulling chow mien off my stomach and flicking rice off my arms. I have learned not to say anything. I want to, but its not his job to BFF my girl issues. Besides, one time he said "so, I have to pay for your exes mistakes?" wake up call. No, you shouldn't have to. I could come up with a whole damn long list of things that cause flashbacks. I mean anything and everything could possibly remind me of some horrible event. But its not happening now! Push it aside. Don't punish the loved ones that are here now. It's not their fault that your mental. Its the monsters fault. Besides, I'm trying to make new happy memories, that way many valentines down the road I will look back and see these ones. Not to mention that I'm not that much into it since it started as a celebration of a roman catholic priest being executed. Just like Christmas, a holiday that is celebrated completely opposite of what it means, which is basically another holiday I don't care about either. BF said "we can just do our own valentine whenever we want, hey tomorrow everything is half off" my kind of man.

We have been together about 2 1/2 years. he totally understands me. On Facebook and other sites you can list if and what kind of relationship you are in. There is one that says "its complicated" BF says "there should be one that's says "She's complicated'" Lmao..love u baby..