ARE YOU BROKE?

WHEN YOU'RE HAVING MONEY PROBLEMS, ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS FIRST?

1. Do you smoke cigarettes? Are you smoking a pack a day? Between packs of smokes, or cartons, vaping and all its accessories/batteries/parts/nicotine juice or chew, it's all a nicotine habit. It's unneeded. It is not a necessity. No one should give you money for cigarettes. It's a vice. It's YOUR problem, not any one else problem to spend their hard earned money on your addiction.

2. Do you drink alcohol? Is that why you need the money? Is it a habit? Are you addicted? Would someone buying you alcohol be enabling you? It's a vice. It's an addiction, and just as deadly as the last one, if not deadlier, if you happen to drive a car. It's no one else's responsibility to give you money to buy alcohol.


3. Do you partake in drugs? Another habit. Does the drug use prevent you from doing your job? Does it get on the way of managing your home and raising kids? Do you spend money on drugs instead of food? It's a vice. It's a deadly one. One that will make you lie, cheat and steal. One that will have you selling household items for. It will get you in trouble with the law and do nothing but harm to your mind, body and your children. It costs jobs, marriages, families, friendships and lives. Don't ask loved ones to work for your addiction. Get clean.

4. Do you gamble? Do you willingly take money already in your hand and feed it to a machine in the hopes of getting more money? It's a vice. It's greed as well. Why should you get to go out and risk other people's money so you could change a win for more money, that you'll probably put right back in? That's not what you borrow money for. That's not an emergency.


5. Do you buy useless items? Do you shop excessively and buy crap you don't need? Do you purchase things because you like it, or because you honestly need it now? It's a vice. I get it. It was on sale. It was something you thought you needed. It was bright and shiny. It's not anyone else's problem that you have a shopping habit.


6. Do you have hobbies? If so, awesome. Do you spend money on hobbies instead of bills? That makes it your problem, not anyone else's. Unless it's a lucrative hobby that you make money on, you're just throwing away money on fun things instead of paying bills. Must be nice to burn up someone else's hard work so you could play. I guess that other guy can just sit home this weekend since you borrowed his extra cash for your fun since you can't manage your priorities. What a pal.


7. Do you buy soda and junk food? Are you eating poorly, going out to fast foods, or buying easy microwavable meals because buying healthy food that you have to prepare is too hard? That's lazy and damaging to your system. It's a vice. "It's too expensive to eat healthy" is what I hear, as they're in the McDonald's drive-thru plopping down cash for fried processed substances. Go back to the store and get food that has 1 ingredient, like Apple, Broccoli, Carrot, Beans, Rice....I know, it will be weird at first. You'll learn how to eat real food again and be healthier, wealthier, and wise. No joke. Your sick days at work will decrease. Your household will feel better mentally and physically. $20 in the not Fast, not Food lane for 1 meal vs. 1 day+ of food from the store is a fair trade. Enough with the excuses. Some people use coupons and apps to save every penny they can, and can or prep every scrap they can, and cook all meals. They don't do that so you can have McDonald's.

Eat to live, not live to eat. 

8. Do you go to Starbucks? Once in a while is different than every day, which can easily lead to a few hundred a month. If you got money for Starbucks, then don't ask anyone for money.


9. Do you have pets? Pets are wonderful companions. If you have a problem feeding yourself, you probably shouldn't have 15 cats. You should prioritize who deserves food first. It's no one else's responsibility to feed animals that you can't. I don't work so you can feed your hoarding problem.


10. Are your bills not getting paid because you have 9 different things that take precedence? That is no one else's problem but your own. No one else should be figuring out why you can't prioritize. No one else should pay your bills, because you like smoking, drugs and shopping.


YOUR EMPTY POCKETS ARE NO ONE ELSE'S PROBLEM. SUFFER LIKE THE REST.

PRIORITIZE. DON'T EXPECT ANYONE TO REFILL YOUR POCKETS SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BAD WITH MONEY.

If you ask for a hand out, make sure you can answer NO to every question, or you're just expecting other people to feed your addictions and to solve your problems for you.

IT'S NOT THEIR PROBLEM, AND IT'S NOT WORTH LOSING A FRIEND OVER IT, BECAUSE YOU FEEL ENTITLED.

Put your big boy/big girl pants on and figure it out yourself.

No one owes you anything.

The Coping Pill

THE COPING PILL

       The coping pill. It's most commonly known as 'Psych Meds'. Thousands of variations of scientific chemicals meant to re balance organic chemicals in your brain.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression                                                                     

 

       Most people suffering from Anxiety or panic attacks take specific anti-anxiety medications. There are a tremendous amount of stressors in a persons life which may hinder the production of those chemicals in your brain, making medication necessary. Some take Mood Stabilizers for their Bipolar.

 

The downside to this, other than the numerous side effects such as suicide and weight gain, is that Bipolar means 2 sides, Down Depression and Up Depression.
 

       That very downside behind what's being prescribed to you, is based primarily on the varying degrees for both types of depression. There is no rhyme or reason to why certain meds work for some, and why they don't work for others.
It is likened to perfume. The formula itself can not be patented, since the base of each person's chemistry is different, therefore rendering numerous outcomes from each person.

 

Down; low demeanor, sleepiness, excessive crying and sadness, low tolerance to stress and triggering memories, is generally called Clinical Depression.

Up;  elated euphoria, excitedly talkative with a lot of energy, less need for sleep, and heightened desire for risk. This is Manic Depression.

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/what-is-bipolar-disorder

       A large amount of questioning, evaluating, mood tracking and observation will determine how much of each Depression you suffer from, how often they cycle, how long they last, and if you experience both at the same time. The plethora of medications that require the 'Trial and Error' process, (that we all went through, until the right combination fits) can make the sanest person want to pull their hair out, which by the way is called Trichotillomania. It also includes picking at the skin. It's a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD. A sister to Anxiety.

http://www.newsmax.com/FastFeatures/homeless-veterans-statistics/2017/02/03/id/651049/
      
       Sadly, a large population of homeless individuals are not only in need of general well being, but their mental health goes untreated, uncared for and undeserved. Many are veterans, youth, disabled and/or suffering from a terminal illness.

http://www.air.org/center/national-center-family-homelessness


       On the other side, the amount of people on medication for mental health is flippantly on the rise.  Tests to ensure that other situations or conditions are responsible are not given. In most cases, medication is prescribed, although many times it's the coping mechanisms that are not working for that individual. Non-medical options should be taught in conjunction to prescribed pills, while continuing to access the patients environmental stressors.
Many medications are blatantly over prescribed.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db76.htm

This is not for anyone to decide on their own right now to suddenly stop taking your meds. Just talk to your doctor about the absolute necessity of each one, and if there is anything else that can help you.
 

Do NOT jump off your meds!

One of the top non psychiatric meds prescribed is for high cholesterol. That, combined with so many prescribed for Anxiety, means that there are a lot of 'Nervous Greasy People' running around. That's my new band name. :)
 

 

        Before you go to psychiatric medication for the first time, or are reevaluating them now, think about what is making you feel this way. If you are suffering from an addiction, and are using to ease the pain of depression, YOU ARE NOT GOING FORWARD.  The depression pills may absolutely help you out of a dark place so that you have the energy and will power to quit the addiction, but don't use it as a crutch to ensure that problems in your life will never arise again, requiring you to cope with them.
Analyze your environment before taking any Chemical Cocktail that alters the chemistry in your brain. 

If there is no chemical imbalance then you will do more damage than good. 

There are many causes of environmental depression:
http://www.stresstips.com/the-role-of-environmental-stress-in-your-mood/

• marriage 

• work

• children/parent 

• home environment

• neighborhood

• home repairs

• health

• accidents/hospital stays

• safety concerns

• vehicle repairs

• money

• addictions 

• friends/family

• school

Including many endless possibilities such as:
overuse of electronics
the ending of a TV series
returning from vacation

        The list goes on, but these are the main stressors in a persons life. Dealing with, or rather COPING with any of them is most certainly anxiety inducing. The proper medication would be something that helps you COPE, not repair non defunct misfirings in your brain.
Just one, let alone many of these stressors can depress you so directly, that you do not enjoy the every day little things that give you most joy.
You're not happy at all any more, and unfortunately you may not be able to decipher whether it's coming from your diagnosed depression, or from your medications not working. Both require time and patience.

 

COPING SKILLS
http://www.haveigotaproblem.com/download/191/How-To-Improve-Coping-Skills

 

Something is making you unhappy. Work on identifying what that something is, and diligently try to change it, or learn how to cope with it. There is NO magic pill. 

 

If you are miserable because your marriage is miserable, a pill won't fix it. It can make you forget it, but that won't fix it.

 

If your job is stressful, and your boss is a jerk, there is no pill that will undo that.

         However, this doesn't always mean that you need a pill to alter your brain, when your brain had nothing to do with the cause of the depression I.e. The job, the house repairs, the bad relationship with your spouse....

 

You must learn to cope with things when there is not an imbalance causing the sadness and anxiety. Taking a pill won't make it go away, you must tackle it head on.

 

        Your job will not get better. Your spouse will not get sweeter. And your not going to suddenly drop pounds, look like a model and be the latest hot thing.

No magic pill for that either. It takes work. 

 

       There are many that are in need of them due to those imbalances that cause many of the same symptoms of depression or mania. Same goes for anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and several others who suffer from mental illness. Please, take these as needed and practice on your coping skills. 

 

As far as environmental depression, a pill will only make it worse on top of side effects. 

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-for-depression#1
 

Learn to cope. Learn coping skills. Practice coping skills. Try mindful techniques designed for you to process it. Work on things. Make goals. Move. Change jobs. Suffer the interim. Learn. To. Cope. 

Cut the toxic negativity out of your life and find the coping skills that work for you

FUKITOL

Are you normal?

What is normal? Do you know normal people? Normal people work, have families, go grocery shopping, run errands, clean, cook, help their kids with homework and talk to other normal people right?
I do those things, but I don't feel normal.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, some of the definitions for normal are:
conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern

a : of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development

b : free from mental disorder : sane.

How ironic. To be normal means to have average intelligence and not be crazy. Aren't most crazy people of higher intelligence? I am not sane, neither am I insane. Nor will I conform. So I guess that's my answer. I am not normal. I am better than normal. I'm unique. I'm eccentric. I'm extraordinary.

Antonyms

abnormal, exceptional, extraordinary, odd, out-of-the-way, strange, unusual

Definition of abnormal:

: deviating from the normal or average : unusual, 

Synonyms

 exceptional, exceeding, extraordinaire, extraordinary, phenomenal, rare, singular, uncommon, uncustomary, unique, unusual,

I will take exceptional, rare, unique and strange any day of the week.
I don't have to be normal to do normal things. I am me. I can be whatever I want. It's my life, and I only get one. You do you, and I'll do me.

I don't have to fit in. I don't have to be like you, talk like you, dress, shop, drive, walk like anyone else. That's what makes us so special. None of us are the same, even identical twins. They may have the same DNA, but that's all. They still have different thoughts, personalities, interests, and fingerprints. The fact that they came from the same egg and sperm does not make them the same.

I suddenly feel more empowered. I have always skipped to a different beat, and I think that's why some people have gravitated towards me, and some run. Fine, run away. Go to the other sheep. The ones that want to be near me want to know why I smile, and laugh, and not care about certain things. Because I don't. I don't care whether you like it or not. It's the mental illness that steps in and sometimes takes over with anxiety and self doubt. But that's not 'me', that's my disease.

Anything I do, is my normal. How I dress, talk or act is my normal. If I'm depressed and stay home all day, day after day, that's my normal. If I'm suddenly manic and want to go shopping and clean the house until 3 am, that's my normal. It doesn't mean that everything I do, when I do it is healthy, but it's my normal. It may not be your version of it, but then again, you don't walk in my shoes, and think my thoughts.

The next time someone says something to the effect of you not being or acting normal, you just tell them:

"Hell no, I'm fucking phenomenal."

Guest blog for Screw Depression

I've been blogging for almost 6 months now, and it seems so natural. I can't figure out why I didn't start this earlier. Oh yeah, my mom read my diary, and I was terrified anyone would know my inner most thoughts and feelings. Which all in of itself is ironic, since I had always planned on writing about just that.

I became disabled a few years back when, after a nervous breakdown, and complete loss of thinking capabilities led me to further destroy everything around me, that hadn't been destroyed already.

My Fibro got worse. My Endo required surgeries. I was getting garnished way to much money at work from my first ex husband (the one who has 50/50 custody of my older boys, that he won't let me see, because he is still obsessed with punishing me for leaving him.) All the stress was causing me to fail school, which I had started, again, in hopes of getting out of the rut of being a single mom and barely getting by.

After 18 months of being successful, and then failing (as I see it) I went back to him. The Abuser. The second ex-husband. I spent 10 years in a marriage where I wore the pants in the family, and he couldn't say boo unless I told him to. That's not my idea of a marriage. Some women like control. Some women don't like raising a husband.
So the next guy was the complete opposite. His evil slowly came out after I got pregnant (quickly).
It got even worse after I married him. That didn't last long, thank goodness.

There are so many painful memories from my childhood. I know for a fact that there are a lot of good ones too, but I can't remember too many of those. Those are the ones that fade away. The evil that was done, is what creeps up on me when I lay down, when I see something that reminds me of my past, when I hear something, and even when I smell something. There is that 'smack in the face' flashback that keeps ripping, little by little, the last fragment of hope and happiness that you carry around.


I'm on the road to recovery. It's a slow, painful process, but it's still a forward process. I have Bipolar 2 rapid cycling. That means I can change moods quickly, and without warning, and I am a prisoner to it. A prisoner. I'm a prisoner in my own body and am always arguing with the warden. Sometimes I get put in the hole. Sometimes I'm let out in general public, with a warning.

It's frustrating, having other moods, an almost unknown entity, make your decisions, carry out plans, and talk to people when it doesn't even feel like 'you'. The real you stays at home, cries, is miserable, depressed, bored, lonely, battling so much in your head. The other 'you' is the one that goes out in public, talks to people, goes grocery shopping, runs errands, pays bills, goes to meetings at the kid's school, talks to acquaintances, and acts 'normal'. When shit hits the fan, the real you comes out and no one recognizes. Now you seem different and fake. If they only knew you were out of your comfort zone and a stronger version of you stepped in until you can go back home and fall apart. It's so much work.

Anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, mania, chronic pain, surgeries, relationships, bills,..it all seems to come crashing down on me at once. I have to fight to dig thru each one, one at a time before more comes down. PTSD, the wonderful life of having flashbacks, not just memories, but full on visual and mental experiences, like you're right there. Someone may raise their hand to give you a high five, and you're ducking because you think you're going to get hit. People don't like that, now you're weird, and omg how could you think I was going to hit you? calm down jeez. If I had control of my memories, I would have done wiped out the bad ones long ago.

No, I don't like the bad thoughts, and I try to re-group and focus on the now as soon as I can. I don't go around telling people everything that's wrong with me, but I am opening up a lot more now. People are interested, they ask questions, they're curious. Hmm, you don't seem super crazy, maybe you're a cool person after all. Educate. De-stigma.

Have you ever had an open conversation with someone who came right out and said, 'I am bipolar. I am OCD, I'm on anti-psychotic medication and there is nothing I can do about it for the rest of my life'? Probably not. But that cool chick you were talking to at the park, the lady in front of you at the register, the kid's mom next to you at the school parking lot, the guy playing ball with his kids, the teenager who dresses wierd, the neighbor you sometimes wave to? I bet they have some mental issues, and you'd never know.

So the next time you see someone who seems a little strange, give them a smile, say hi, you might just brighten up their whole week, because you noticed them. You acknowledged their presense.

I had a gun pointed to my head when I was 9

BY A COP...Got your attention....yeah it got mine too!!

So here I am this little girl. My dad, on occasion in his younger years, was a bank robber. Later on he just did ever other crime under the sun. He did his time, and no I never saw a dime. He was getting his life back together for his familys' sake. It wouldn't last, but it was worth the try.

Me, my mother, father, 3 year old brother, and grandma are sitting on the front porch of her house. We were moving the next day. There was a U-haul parked in the driveway and we were celebrating a big long yard sale with some nice BBQ before leaving the next day in the U-haul.

It was exciting. We were going somewhere new to start a new life and my dad was there, he was never there anymore.
I remember so clearly. It was nice out. We were all outside in the front just laughing and enjoying the evening and talking about all the excitement and how my grandma was going to miss us all.
I was sitting next to my dad, practically on his lap, sharing chicken.


Out of nowhere, 5 or 6 cop cars came screeching from all directions, drove right up in the yard, jumped out, guns drawn, and one walked right up to my dad, stuck a gun in his face and said "Don't Move"

I said that correctly. SEVERAL police officers swarmed a house and DREW THEIR GUNS on a family eating dinner on the front porch, and stuck a loaded gun in my face.

My dad calmly put his food down and put his hands up. My mom is pulling me away so fast it's blurry. Adults are yelling at cops, kids are crying to adults, and it's a fucking scene out of RENO 911. Who the fuck draws guns on kids eating BBQ chicken? Did it look like he was going to run? Seriously?

Apparently, he wasn't supposed to being leaving the state the next day. But he hadn't even done anything yet. So they got wind he was going to leave. And at that moment he was such a threat it garnered that much attention to draw a gun on a man with a child on his lap.
Do you know that if I freaked out or if that cop flinched his finger I would have watched my dad die by getting shot in the head by a cop, for no FREAKING REASON AT ALL. He was committing NO CRIME whatsoever at that moment.

Oh yeah, I love cops.

He got out of jail that night. Released and was told to come back to a probation hearing and that was that. We still moved the next day. He had to go back a few weeks later to go to court.

All that commotion for a court date.
That was the first time I saw a gun up close.

We never even got an apology or any kind of retribution. Nice huh?

And you know what? Twenty five years later he became a lobbyist for Law Enforcement. Yep, he stood in front of the Legislative Committee and spoke FOR them, and how they need more funding to catch the bad guys.

Ironic? Oh yeah.
Became a better person? He sure as shit tried!!

The day my 2 year old drove my car

Don't worry, he didn't get very far. Seriously, they don't make carseats that can actually contain the child. I don't just mean keep them safe in case of a wreck, I mean strap them down, like the papoose at the emergency room. IMMOBILE. That works for me.

The days of carseats. Any mother will tell you the glorious day when their kids grow out out bottles, diapers, contraptions and car seats. It's like a right of passage. A diploma handed out after the last stage bottle, the last stage diaper/pull-up, the last booster seat you will ever buy. My oldest is now 18 and in college and loves art/drama/reading/writing, so who knows. She also likes science/philosophy/socialogy/phsycology. She is doing great in school. So if she needs baby stuff any time soon I'm going to kick her ass. I'm not ready to be a grandma. I got my diploma and I want to savor that for a while. Still got that booster seat one to go.

The twins are almost 7 and by law it's over 8 years old, AND over 4'9" before they don't need booster or car seats. I guess they threw the whole weight limit out the window when these McDonalds' generation babies start weighing 50 pounds at 2, and the parents are like,
"Well the're heavier than the law says. They don't need no car seat. Let's go get a burger."
Do they have booster seats that fit 5' tall people? You know, my boys' feet almost touch the floor. I know some really short 7th graders, and I'll be damned if you think those kids are getting in a car seat.

How cute. He has someone to help him get in his wittle car seat.

For the last 6 years these law people keep changing things. First it was 4 and/or 40 pounds, then 6 and/or 60 pounds.
I'm like "Dude these twins are never going to get out of the carseats." And I don't care how far the law changes. I'm NOT getting in one.

And here is the magic.

So after my day of work and drive home, I pull into my apartments on the side of a steep hill overlooking the Columbia River seperating Oregon and Washington. Luckily I had an awesome sitter and she lived the next building over.

I pulled up to her place, left the car running,  and go up her stairs to get the boys. We all walk down and her and I are gabbing so I put them in the car. I strap them down and check each 5 point harness and really tighten it up, as always. I walk around the passenger side of the car to talk to the baby sitter still standing outside.
I open the passenger car door, throw my purse and diaper bag in the car in the front seat and turn around to talk to her some more.

I am being very detailed in this because it happened that fast.

I may have had my back turned to the car for 30 seconds, and that people is all it takes.

I turned around, and there was my son, sitting in the driver seat, hand on shifter, LOOKING AT ME, and there it went.

He pulled it down, and I DOVE HEAD FIRST INTO THE CAR and slammed my hands down on the brake pad as hard as I could put my weight on it.

I had to take one hand off, put the car in park and turn it off!!!

He was laughing and giggling and unaware that 150 feet away was a metal dumpster and some other apartment buildings. A 2 year old almost drove my car into a house. He would had died from going right through the windshield and his 2 year old twin brother would have watched it.

If I had not opened the door, I would not have been able to DIVE in and land on the brakes. I never would have gotten the door open in time.

I NEVER ever left the car running after that.

We were shocked. I couldn't believe the swiftness of this escape. It was my mission to ensure lockdown at all times. He always won. I couldn't duct tape this kid down if I tried. Like I said MasterCraft. And unfortuneatly they don't make carseats.

Endometriosis is for girls

Endometriosis is non-cancerous little tumors and sores that grow on the inside of your uterus. Sometimes referred to as lesions or adhesion. It hurts, as in hurt like being punched in the baby maker and in serious pain and you want to cry like a little girl for your mommy to make it go away. It turns you into that girl from the movie "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka". This dude was going to hurt her and she turns around with her face all distorted and screams I GOT CRAMPS and his friend comes running cuz he heard someone scream like a girl.

Your periods are more painful, more bleeding, cramping, in the fetal position, way more than your normal shitty period. This will put you down for a few days. My daughter has been suffering with it for a few years now and thanks me for it every month. I'm like, uh thank all the woman before me too because there is Fibromyalgia, lots of allergies, Rheumatoid Arthritis: its all Auto-Immune problems, maternally inherited....One day we might have lupus or something else, who knows.

So I clearly noticed something was very wrong when the twins were about 6 months old and one crawled across my stomach and it felt like it was pregnant! And it hurt like I was. I had three kids already so I know what it feels like when you get jumped on by a toddler right on your precious pregnant belly! I felt it and pushed on it, and oh ya it felt like I was about 2-3 months but I knew I wasn't because I had a C section and had my tubes tied. This was not good.

This is what happened over the next 2 years! Mind you during this whole time I have infant to toddler twins.

 I work full time and come home to an abusive man half that year, the other year and a half was more peace and hard work, including two surgeries, lost two jobs and my dad died. What a fucking year!

I go to the doctor, same OB who delivered them. At this hospital the staples were taken out at 36 hours and we were all sent home at 42 hours. Yes, I had an emergency C-section with twins and we were not even there 48 hours. (AND the nurse laughed when I was scared about her taking out the staples, and said "Ha Ha, what, are you afraid your stomach is going to fall out?, uh YAH!)  And when I cough/sneezed the day after getting out, and bloody water gushed out of my sliced open stomach, I wanted to take my clothes to the hospital and rub it in that nurses face and say "Oh yah, then whats this bitch, not from my stomach huh?"


ANYWAY, he examines and yes I definitely need an ultrasound to see whats going on. If he wasn't the actual doctor that tied my tubes he would have thought I was pregnant. He felt around up there like he was looking for his watch or something and doing that push down on your lower abdomen thing. I almost pushed his nuts up his groin with my foot. My periods were horrible and there was way too much pain involved. He said that he would start me on some hormone treatment and probably have one within 6 months. Huh?
Not to mention that this stuff is rarely seen on an ultrasound.

Unfortunately we moved out of state. For every other reason than my health it was time to move. For that exact reason I should have stayed. Once we moved, it took forever to get insurance, find a doctor, get my records sent over and have a few exams. This is already a few months. I'm getting worse. This new doctor puts me on birth control. Birth control. I have had 5 kids and my tubes tied, the last thing I need is birth control, considering that they mess with my hormones anyway. I am trying to tell the doctor this. It's falling on deaf ears.

Over the next few months, again more ultrasounds, more exams, more tests, more follow-ups to the follow up. Finally! A referral to a surgeon. I go see him and he does his whole poking around thing and looks at this and that and says ok, lets schedule this.

One of the happiest moments in my life. Someone finally listened to me after complaining about this for over a year. Getting surgery is pretty serious too.


The surgery goes well and I wake up in the recovery area for Birthing/New Mothers. It was an OB who did it, so I recovered on his turf. It was weird being the only one there without a baby. I thought of babies I had lost, and then I thought of woman who have lost theirs in childbirth. How sad and lonely to be the only woman in the baby section without a baby. The nurses liked me. I was easy to deal with. In fact, I got to spend most of my recovery hanging out in the nurses station holding the newborns. My babymaker was dead and buried so I was going to hold, and give back other newborns.

As it turned out, the Endometriosis had spread extensively and became Adenomiosis, which means same thing but on the outside of the uterus. I didn't realize at the time what that would implicate. Later I would learn that means that it still continues to grow inside your body. Fast forward 6 months later and I had to have a ping pong sized Endo tumor removed from inside my muscle wall of my abdomen, which ripped apart my muscle when it burst, at 2 AM. I thought my intestines burst or something. It was hot and painful and had
this spreading sensation. I thought I was in serious trouble.

The surgery for that was pretty easy. I was only there a few hours actually. It's amazing the technology today. Cut open your gut and your home for dinner. It was painful until then though. This constant knot in my muscle wall. It was just 'there'. Make it go away. It would grow and shrink through out the month and I hated it.

This is the short version of the Endo story. Diagnosed. Hysterectomy. Tumors redevelop. Surgery. My lower back and lower abdomen hurt. It still feels like there are baby tumors growing. All the cutting open from the C-section, hysterectomy, tumor removal happened in 2 1/2 years. The last 2 were 6 months apart. I lost a lot of weight. Let me tell you surgery wipes you out for a long time. I just suffer now. Endo grows on scar tissue so I think there is enough of that down there for now.

It should be the same diet for a cancer paitent. Nothing to help it grow. I try to watch what I eat (too much coffee, sugar, chocolate, red meat makes it worse) before I put it in my mouth. It's hard. There is a different diet for every ailment. But there is no cure. Some woman get better after birth control pills, pregnancy, and in the extreme cases yes, a hysterectomy. But I come from Murphys' Law which states that it will go wrong for me. So even after that, still a tumor, and after that I still have it.

And the whole time I'M SINGLE MOM WITH TWINS. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF.

Endo sucks, it really does. It's for girls!

Mom's are not allowed to go to the bathroom 2

     Oh there were lots of times I should have held it. Probably why I pee my pants now when I cough or laugh too hard. Between all those pregnancies and babies kicking my bladder, and having to hold it because I just couldn't take my eyes off the twins, I don't have a 'hold it' option now.

These twins, when they were toddlers, were horrible little diapered giggling trolls that destroyed everything they touched. Everything. It's like giving Chunk from Goonies something, count to ten, yep broken.

So here I am working full-time, going to school online full time at night, and taking care of 3 kids and the house. The oldest being my junior high school teen daughter at the time. (My two teenage boys live with their dad, different dad) It was a 30 hour day packed into 24, and that was with only 5-6 hours of sleep every night. I was always working at a job that I needed to commute, or train or bus, or all three. So needless to say, I was tired A LOT. And Fibro was kicking my ass DAILY back then, AND this is in between surgeries for my Endo. Sheesh. Some of the absolute lowest times in my life and sanity. The medications did NOTHING. Nothing was GOING to help me unless I changed some things or wiped it all off the plate after having a nervous breakdown. You guess.

We lived on the bottom floor of an apartment building for about 1 1/2 yrs. It was sort of half way in the ground, in the building I was in, so the bedroom windows were at ground level. Let me tell you, when there was a 12 foot snow drift ABOVE my window I was scared. I went to bed every night wondering if that was going to come crashing down and bury me. The twins were around two years old. They had already DISMANTLED their crib. Like, you know, I walked in and the mattress was thrown out and two sides were taken off, and they were running around.


Twins- 1 Bed- 0

So forget it, they can have a toddler bed. Um, now how do I keep them in there? I already have three different kinds of deadbolts, THREE on the front door, and they can open them all. It was a constant battle to keep them alive. So I deadbolt their bedroom door. I don't care what you say, I'm not having these babies wake up in the night and leave the house!



I come home from work, put the kids in their room for some play time, and collapse on my bed...just a short nap I tell myself. My daughter can handle it.

About 30 minutes later, while I'm in my famous comasleep I hear this kitten of a sound 'mommy' 'mommy'
"Mommmmmmmy" real quiet like but one of them is calling me in a 'come get me I'm scared' sort of cry.

I get up and go open their door. They're not in there! WTF

I'm freaking out. I start looking all over the apartment and under things. How the hell did I lose the kids in the house? Then I hear it again, real faint..."mommy"
Is that coming from my room? I look out the window and *gasp, my toddler is standing outside.my.window.

I run to the front door, so I can go around back and get him, and I'm greeted by the other one! He's out there running around giggling, running in the parking lot, running from me. Oh ya, this kid was knocking on my door. My two year old, climbed out his bedroom window, ran around the apartment building and knocked on the front door. Wow. There's this lady neighbor yelling at me about calling the cops and CPS and how I'm such a negligent mother for letting my kids play in the street. Seriously? I really wanted to choke her.

These fucking McGuyver's TOOK APART THE TODDLER BED and proceeded to turn the bedframe sideways, and climb up it like a ladder and out the window, which was cracked open so tiny I'm surprised he noticed! The timid sensitive one didn't get far. As usual he followed his brother and then got scared and stayed there calling me.


Twins-2 Bed-0

The cops really came. I showed them ( and so did the twins ) how they can open all the deadbolts, (three different kinds too using chairs, a toy and the broom), take apart their bed, and get into everything that is inhumanly possible. The cops said he never seen anything like it. It was obvious, as a single mother of twin toddler boys, I was doing everything I could to keep these BABIES alive. No CPS, just a laugh and a "keep up the good work". Let me say, it's actually illegal to lock your children in a room, except when you're trying to keep your children alive I guess. Idk but any other kind of lock and I wouldn't have been able to get in and out. I mean, childproof kitchen cabinets with that plastic shit?  LOL I was using Stanley and MasterCraft.

I didn't like it. I really had no choice. I mean these kids didn't have a lamp or dresser by the time they were 2 as well. DESTRUCTIVE.

 It was funny misery I guess. Never a dull moment. So mom's are not allowed to go to the bathroom, or take a nap.


THESE PEOPLE WERE WEARING DIAPERS!!!   LMAO
TERRORISTS IN DIAPERS