Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Moms are not allowed to go to the bathroom

Back a few years ago when I was a single mom to the terrible two twos, it got quite exciting to say the least. I did everything, and they did it all with me. Grocery store? You gotta bring both babies so now there's no room for any food. Can't let one walk cuz the other will go ballistic. Twins have to have the same thing, always. And always competing for me.

The only chance I have to do anything is that 30 minutes I had between getting home from work, bus and train, and the time I get the kids from daycare. The precious 30 minutes to get a lot done. You would be surprised how much you can do in that amount of time when you have to. I'm running people over in the stores, "Outa my way sister, I'm on a mission."

So I'm in this downstairs apartment with a tiny porch. Everyone on the 2nd and 3rd floor have a nice black railing on their balcony, how come I don't? No one on the 1st floor does. I mean as soon as I open the sliding glass door my (then 2 year old twin boys) go darting outside like a bull being ridden or a bird out its cage. Run free! Run fast as far as you can. That was my exercise everyday, chasing toddlers.
I'm jealous of the porches, so I run to the hardware store in that 30 minutes and get some supplies. (Same 30 minutes I used to go grocery shopping, pay bills, rent movies...etc. I was boss) I had measured everything out and was just getting some basic stuff.

The first day my friend helped me put up some 8 x 4 foot premade, spikey top (you know for 3' tall terrorists) fences and posts and cut them and it all looked good. Now the rules are that if you do that, you have to have it black, either painting it or by instead installing railings. Well after the whole weekend of being home and enjoying the whole patio thing, I decided that I needed to get it painted before too long as I'm sure there will be a complaint from 'that' neighbor who doesn't like anything you do.

On Sunday afternoon I take the wee little ones and my teenage daughter who helps when she can, back to the hardware store to buy paint. I like these carts better. They expect you to buy big things, so they're bigger and that means the kids can really sprawl out in it.

I buy black outdoor paint for the fence. Everything is going good. I drop my daughter off at a friends' house but she'll be home in about an hour. I take everything and everyone inside and by this time I am doing the pee pee dance. I set the closed pounded down can of paint on the kitchen counter and go to the bathroom........

Exactly 12.45 seconds later I come out of my room and for the first nanosecond my brain said "Oh wow,  look at the cute tiny footpr..." Mortified. O.M.G.
I didn't walk, I cringed down the hallway, and all I could hear was the 2 year old laughter of evil. Giggling and running around and making footprints of black paint all over my carpet.

This. (breath) Can't. (breath) Be. Happening (cant breath) OMG.

I pick him up and immediately want to get the toxic paint off my son even though what I WANT to do is pick him upside down and paint the fence with his long skater toddler hair. "Oh yeah, you want to play with the paint? How's that huh? You like that?" I quickly snap out of it and look at the evil twin grin and know; you are my child.

I clean the paint off him, and barely a little off the other twin who is always scared to do anything, brats. I'm freaking out. I just moved into this apartment, seriously? All I'm seeing is dollar signs. As I'm trying to clean, my daughter is there trying to help and call carpet cleaners.

I'm sorry, did I mention that it was 9pm on a Sunday night? Yay! Well after I ruined it by getting it wet trying to clean it up, which you should never get paint wet and try and clean it by yourself. The end result was I paid $200 for a brown stain on my carpet. It wasn't the last brown stain they made.

I just needed to pee, you little brats!


  1. I remember that night so well. OMG what a mess! And we couldn't help but laugh. I mean how did they do that in so short of a time. Then I realized this is the terrible twins we are talking about. Crime partners all the way:) Miss those little boys. But they were such a handful. You are amazing for having survived that year for sure. Do they remember doing this I wonder?

    1. Probably not, I tried to forget that year myself LOL, but I have pics on an old phone somewhere. I can't wait to post them. And yes, it was hilarious!